This week, the Serm sent an emissary to Assembly Hall at Indiana University to report what it was like to go to a game at a school that actually has successful basketball program, as well as a team that took three-point shots and actually made them.
While there is a lot of “Fire Esherick” sentiment going around these days, the Serm feels there is more to the problem: Fans, you need to get your asses in gear. You have a lot of catching up to do to match those in attendance at “The House that Knight Built.” But if fans follow this strict training regime, there still may be hope for the Hoyas.
Before games, consume copious amounts of methamphetamines, preferably the crystal variety. This ensures that before tip-off, everyone is crazy amped, jumping up and down, shaking the floor. Then talented players and hot male specimens like Tom Coverdale will encourage the crowd to cheer more when he comes out on the floor. The crowd, crazed as a room full of skeezers, will comply.
Demand that games be moved back on campus. Getting to the MCI center to see a game from Georgetown is a Sisyphean ordeal, requiring a combination of walking, buses and Metro.
While Chinatown is becoming more exciting with that new Hooters and Starbucks (see pp. 8-9), more people would come to games if they were on campus. Not enough seats, you argue? This means the most devoted fans will come to the game, producing a separation of the wheat from the chaff as true fans go. If you’re not tough enough to get a ticket, we don’t want you at our game.
Lastly, the Athletic Department needs to spend some money obtaining sports props. Indiana provided us with Big Red Rally Rags to wave around our heads like a helicopter. Rally rags equal winning games—it’s a simple as that. Foam fingers would be nice, too.
Tom Coverdale will be ours. Oh yes, he will.
