As I near graduation, I reflect upon what has made these last four years so great: jumpsuits, ‘ludes, makeout sessions with Squid Quinones and a general desire to better myself. But my college career could have been so much better if the administration and my fellow students had offered the rest of us just a few more pleasantries on campus. I’m not asking for much, just a few cheap investments here and there. Here’s what I’m talking about:
More Graveyards-When I moved into Harbin freshman year, all I wanted was a window overlooking the graveyard next to ICC. I got shafted, of course, and all of my goth outfits and black lipstick just lacked the legitimacy that comes with waking up every morning to a field of dead people. Now, I know there are plenty of space considerations on the Georgetown campus, but more graveyards offer both aesthetic beauty and greenery. And when it starts to get warm in the springtime, there will be no place better to lay out or play soccer than among the nooks and crannies of Copley Cemetery. Nothing screams “appropriate” more than a bunch of girls in bikini tops sunning on top of a long-deceased priest.
Pogs Arcade-That video arcade in Leavey is way too outdated. I mean, Tekken? Nerds! Instead, we should install a state-of-the-art Pogs Arcade, where we Hoyas can all come together and play the schweetest game ever made, ever! In the mean time, you can all come over to Henle and play pogs with me … because no one else will …
Burberry scarves-You probably don’t know what I’m talking about, but I think this is the next big trend. I’ve seen a couple of these in my favorite fashion ‘zines, and I know that the campus ladies would look great in them! Have you ever heard of Burberry? In the trendiest cities, mindless fashion lackies wear the brand with pride. Why not bring that here? And if the scarves catch on, maybe in a couple of years, we’ll see lovely ladies wearing Burberry head-to-toe, complete with Burberry umbrellas!
Ignorant, hysterical religious zealots-I’m not talking about Israelis and Palestinians in Red Square. I’m talking about the cream of the nut-job crop, the lowest of the low, the most despicable, unshaven, toothless, slack-jawed retards we can find with a Bible in one hand and noose in the other. Not only will this increase discrimination against homosexuals and racial minorities, but it will make the squares in the College Republicans actually seem pretty cool. Good plan, huh?
A smoothie shop-OK Corpies, here’s the deal. Smoothies are the greatest food product of all time, and we need a smoothie shop in Leavey. You can call it UF (Uncommon Fruit), and you can put one in ICC and call it MUF. One time I was visiting New York in high school, and some friends and I walked from 125th Street to Times Square, stopping at every ice cream and smoothie shop along the way sampling their blended fruit beverages. Of course, I was highly obese then, but that’s another story.
More heartfelt political conversations-Honestly, there aren’t enough of these. I haven’t seen any open political debate on this campus since I’ve been at this school. Nope, no mindlessly reactionary political organizations or SFS students discussing the problems and prospects of the United Nations Security Council in the bowels of ICC. Where are you people? Have you no ridiculously blind political ambitions?
Junkies-The administration needs to bring in some of the city’s finest crackheads, skeezers and smack-fiends to sprinkle them around campus. I feel that sometimes we become too comfortable in our fancy Northwest confines, so a few shifty-eyed go-betweens popping out of bushes at night would bring us all down to earth. They would be harmless junkies, of course-DPS would care to remove all shivs and switchblades from their pockets before entering campus-but a good shock from a pock-marked druggie every now and then offers just enough pants-wetting thrill to keep us humble.
A radio station-Oh, we have one? My bad.
More noise for Village C residents-I think this would be a fine addition for the tranquil and meditative Southwest area of campus. It’s really too quiet over there, so a few jackhammers and bulldozers should do the trick.
An on-campus arena-Yeah, you’ve heard this one before. But I don’t care about basketball. I’m talking about an arena for weekly battles-to-the-death between students. Check it: because it’s really hard for students to wake up on a weekend and get down to the MCI Center for Hoya bloodsports, an on-campus arena will provide students with both ease of transport and a strong home-court advantage. Where a weight room would be, we could cage lions. And instead of a snack bar, vendors could sell throwing knives so all of the fans could get into the bloodletting. Hoya Saxa!
And, finally, one thing we need less of: Sarcasm in weekly personal experience column. But I know you’re still going to miss my cynical, uncreative ass. Oh snap.
Peter Hamby is a senior in the college. He wants to bite your ass and get lockjaw.
