I met Leslie in biology class our first year. I complimented her on a bracelet that stretched taunt across her thick wrist. She told me her boyfriend had given it to her. I wasn’t really listening, as I tend to do when girls go on about their boyfriends. The way she gushed on about this guy made me think it must be a new relationship. I smiled back so she wouldn’t feel embarrassed about revealing so much to someone she’s never talked to before, someone who simply complimented her on a bracelet.
The next time I saw Leslie, I was walking into the library. She was out front talking gravely to a tall guy with dark hair and thick glasses cut into dignified rectangles. The confidante smile she gave me as I caught her eye confirmed that it was Ned.
“I was talking to Ned when you saw me outside the library the other day,” was how Leslie greeted me, as she took the seat to my right in class.
“Oh yeah? Did he have more jewelry to give you?” It had sounded sarcastic in my head, but Leslie didn’t notice. She gave a giddy laugh and even blushed.
“No,” she said, lowering her voice. “He has to take the bar soon. It’s been making him think of the future and how we’ll continue to see each other once he’s out of school.” She tried unsuccessfully to look disapproving and bent towards me. Despite my affected ambivalence, I felt myself lowering to meet her.
“I think he might propose on Valentine’s Day.” She watched my face. “I know, crazy, right? It’s nuts, but women just get gut feelings about that sort of thing, you know?”
She shook her head and straightened up. I was watching the dimple in her left cheek deepen.
“Yeah, I know, ” I said.
Leslie continued to sit next to me, week after week. Apparently we had reached a level of friendship where communication was no longer required. She’d simply smile in greeting, the bracelet around her wrist securing her happiness.
The first week of February Leslie stayed behind as I gathered my books after class. Usually she rushed out the door, flashing a sometimes apologetic smile, as if to show regret that she had someone to rush off to and I didn’t.
It wasn’t until we were out of the classroom and walking down the corridor that she finally spoke.
“What about you?” she asked. “Do you have a boyfriend?”
“Me? No,” I said. My tone was curt. It surprised me to realize that I still felt as if this detail was some sort of reflection on my character. “Why?”
“No reason. I just saw you sitting in the cafeteria with Matt and thought maybe, I don’t know, I just wondered why you never talk about him.”
My responding laugh was harsh. She looked alarmed.
“No, it’s just that, well, we had a thing, but I don’t know, nothing much came of it.”
“Hmm, that’s too bad,” she mused. “He seems to really like you, you know, just by watching the two of you. Don’t you think? I mean, can’t you tell?”
She was making me uncomfortable. “I’ve never been so great with women’s intuition and all that. Mine seems to be a little off.”
But she wouldn’t give up. “Well, I’m sure if you wanted something to happen with Matt, it could.”
“Well, that’s the thing,” I said, a little agitated. “I don’t, really.”
“Hmm,” she said, finally. “Before I met Ned, I didn’t even feel like a whole person. I just can’t imagine my life without him.”
“Yeah, me neither,” I said before realizing it. It was vindictive. I regretted it the minute I said it. She looked a little bit as if she had been slapped. “I’ll see you in class,” I said flatly and kept walking.
A few days later, I saw Matt in the campus convenience store. I couldn’t tell if he had seen me or not. He was intently staring at rows of bottled water.
“Hey.”
He whirled around and flipped his hair out of his eyes
“Hey,” he said, smiling and then turning to grab a liter of Coke.
“What are you doing the 14th? I know it’s Valentine’s Day, but we could just ignore that and see a movie or something.”
I tried not to count the seconds of deliberation until he nodded. (Eight.)
“Yeah, cool.”
“Yeah? Okay, see you then.” I turned and left the store without buying anything.
I didn’t have biology again until the 16th. I was anxious for Leslie to ask about my Valentine’s Day. It hadn’t been great, but she didn’t have to know that.
“Aren’t you going to ask about my Valentine’s Day?” I asked, after I had given her enough time to ask if she had wanted to.
“He didn’t propose.” She said it without feeling.
“Or we could talk about yours,” I joked, but she didn’t smile. “Hey, but that would have been crazy if he had. You said so yourself.”
She stopped to give me an empty look that said I couldn’t possibly understand what she was feeling.
“I broke up with him.”
“Whoa, Leslie, slow down. Why?” I noticed the bracelet wasn’t there. Her wrist looked bare without it.
She stopped and absently fingered where the bracelet used to be. I could see what he had meant to her just by looking at who she was now.
“I asked him why he loved me,” she began. Her voice had an uncertain quality to it, as if at any moment, it would give out. It was painful to listen to but I was curious, wanting nothing more than to know why he loved her. I wanted to know what made him want to plan his life around her and what she could possibly give him that made her rush out of class everyday.
“He didn’t say anything. And then, just like that, he admitted that he didn’t know. After a four-year relationship, he didn’t know. “
But I wasn’t listening again. I wasn’t listening because I understood why he didn’t know. I could imagine her, searching for a solid explanation and him coming to the beautiful realization that he didn’t have one.
“To tell you the truth, it was because of you that I began to wonder.”
“Me?”
“Yes, I mean, you know, you don’t have a boyfriend or anything and well, you’re … ” she stopped short.
“I’m what?”
“Beautiful. I wanted to be you. I know it’s dumb, but I began second-guessing why Ned loved someone like me when someone like you, is, well, alone.”
She was searching my eyes for something I couldn’t give her.
“And then when he said he didn’t know …”
I thought back to my date with Matt. He had walked me to my room and somehow, in the midst of trying to say goodnight, we ended up on my bed with him on top, his hands greedily grabbing me. He was upset when he left and I knew we would never talk again. I didn’t give him what he wanted; he had no use for me. I spent the rest of the night sitting on my rumpled bed, staring at nothing and wondering why I had even bothered.
My eyes met Leslie’s. She looked lost, expecting me to get her out of something I apparently got her into.
I gave her a big smile. I don’t know why-I couldn’t help it.
“That’s the best way,” I finally said. “Not knowing why someone cares about you. I mean, that’s the way I would want it. To have absolutely no idea why but to know that they do.”
I reached for her bare wrist and squeezed it. I was going to tell her that I’d see her in class next week, but she already knew that.
Melinda Peer is a junior in the college. She used to live in Hillandale, and thinks she’s all fancy.
