Sick of the same old boring God? Communion wafers just not as tasty as they used to be? Tired of having to mutilate your genitals? Maybe it’s time for a new religion. Or maybe it’s time to give Scientology a try. With the Founding Church of Scientology located in Dupont Circle, finding an illogical credo to blindly adhere to is as easy as ceasing to question your better judgement. With a number of interesting films to choose from, as well as tours of the building, the Church of Scientology is the perfect escape from reality.
The fun kicks off with a tour of one of the first and foremost outposts of Scientology in the wilderness of ignorance that is rational thought. Our tour, led by Moses Picasso, a guide at the church, started in the purification center, where the initiates begin their quest toward spiritual obedience and slavish enlightenment. The method advocated by the Church for removing “toxins” from the body involves running on a treadmill, then spending time in a sauna, then back to the treadmill, then a healthy dose of vitamins to cap it off-now you’re ready to be preached to and accept the divine word of L. Ron. While in the chamber, we overheard one man say, “It’s been 30 days, I just want to see the sun.”
The Church is actually a converted red-brick mansion with beaux-arts style architecture. The inside is opulently decorated with romanesque arches, oak floors, hand-carved arches, posh wicker furniture (as posh as wicker gets, baby) and numerous paintings of L. Ron. The atmosphere is somewhat stuffy yet comfortable, while the numerous offices in the basement accompanied by piles of merchandise give the place a business-like atmosphere.
Of course it doesn’t stop there. There are also libraries stacked floor-to-ceiling with identical copies of audiotapes of Scientology texts, rooms adorned with ornate ostrich leather ceilings, an office full of L. Ron’s personal belongings awaiting his timely return (though he died in 1986) and a convocation room with roughly 40 chairs that suffices for the purported 10,000 members of the Church in D.C.
Then its off to the movies, or at least the theater within the Church, where a wide variety of films are on hand for you leisure. One of the best films screened at the Church is called The Evolution of a Science, and details the uplifting and undoubtedly true story of Jerry, a high school football player paralyzed after a freak accident. Jerry is told he will never walk again by a host of frightening doctors, psychiatrists and psychologists (lead by one who is a dead ringer for Sigmund Freud), and struggles against his predicament. When all seems hopeless an anonymous benefactor gives Jerry a copy of L. Ron Hubbard’s Dianetics.- For those confused about the difference between scientology and Dianetics, it helps to think about it using the following poorly-phrased, incomprehensible metaphor: “Dianetics is the door handle, Scientology is the door.” Thanks Moses. After skimming the book for 20 minutes and a brief flashback, Jerry is able to walk again, narrowly escaping the unnecessary surgery and lobotomy that the doctors have ordered for him. It’s a stirring testament to the uplifting message that millions are receiving worldwide everyday.
And remember, in the words of Moses Picasso, “One day earth won’t be a living hell, all because you helped.” Get inspired.
The Founding Church of Scientology is located at 1701 20th St. N.W.
