The Serm returns for Fall session with a docket of new cases.
We will begin with Texas vs. Dotson, Carlton. Now, Mr. Dotson, you are charged with murder in the first degree in the death of Patrick Dennehy, your basketball teammate at Baylor University. I see here that you are claiming to have had delusions previously, hearing voices and such. Son, you go to Baylor University. You’re only delusion was thinking you could make the NBA from Baylor. (Harvey Thomas pulling a gun on you, that was real.) Guilty.
Calling to order our next case, Colorado v. Bryant, Kobe J. The charge is first-degree sexual assault. How do you plead Mr. Bryant? For chrissakes, stop talking in that slow, gravely humble and annoyingly apologetic tone. Mr. Bryant, please tell your wife to go to the back of the courtroom. She can stand by her man in the back. Uh, Mr. Bryant, exactly how old is your wife? Baliff, please remand Mr. Bryant.
Our final case for the day is an appeal from Rae Carruth to grant a new trial for his murder conviction. We think Mr. Carruth was treated a bit unfairly in his first trial. When a Hall of Famer kills his wife, he gets off because he is a celebrity. Now this strikes us as a discriminatory practice. Shouldn’t every celebrity be shielded from prosecution, regardless of their ability? Mr. Carruth didn’t even kill his wife-he tried to kill his ex-girlfriend. That has to count for something, right? So remanded.
