People still don’t believe you when you tell them you go to Georgetown? Maybe it’s the overalls and debilitating overbite, you hick. But anyway, the following list is a steady stream of nourishing conformity that new Hoya pups thirsty for acceptance can suckle (literally) straight from the teat of wisdom that is me.
1. Complain about how busy you are. Constantly.
2. Think you are cool because the Wisey’s Bums, Inc. called you a “playa” after you gave them the spare twenty dollars cluttering up your pockets.
3. Enjoy a steamy make-out session with University librarian Artemis G. Kirk in the periodical section.
4. Ogle the transvestites who sunbath on Copley Lawn when the weather is warm. You really didn’t know? Yeah, transvestites. Every last one of them.
5. Enjoy being privileged.
6. Eat a fetus. Not just to consume it, but rather to enjoy it.
7. Cheat on your boyfriend or girlfriend from high school and then break up with them, claiming it was their fault.
8. Question your choice of majors, as well as your sexual orientation and gender.
9. Change your choice of majors, as well as your sexual orientation and gender.
10. Ask obvious questions in your introductory Econ class in a snide, nasal voice not only as an overture to friendship with your classmates, but also to prove that you are smarter than the teacher.
11. Pee in the fountain. Preferably while people are jumping in it.
12. Take off your shirt. Whirl it around your head like a helicopter. Put it back on. Repeat.
13. Find the cure for midgets.
14. Tear someone’s pants off with your teeth in a fit of passion.
15. Take yourself seriously.
16. Teach a football player to read.
17. Teach a football player to love.
18. Throw yourself down the exorcist steps in a moment of demonic possession or just for kicks.
19. Experience “the ultimate,” and I think you know what I’m talking about-penis and vagina.
20. Take care of Jack the Bulldog for a weekend. He probably won’t shit all over your room.
21. Steal from the cafeteria. Not just food and silverware, but tables, chairs, industrial kitchen equipment and workers are all fair game.
22. Take advantage of the District’s rich and diverse night life and numerous cultural opportunities by getting drunk and going to a club.
23. Play a deadly game of cat-and-mouse with DPS. Or just a game of Mousetrap will do. They’ll be confused either way and will probably beat the crap out of you.
24. Do blow in one of the library bathrooms.
25. Take the time to cultivate an interest in a wide range of musical styles and artists like Dave Matthews, O.A.R. or Jay-Z.
26. Attend one of the weekly monkey knife fights in the basement of Darnall.
27. Take the Jim Belushi College poster off your wall, wrap yourself in it and throw yourself out a window.
29. Transfer to a different university.
30. Dump a body in the Potomac.
31. Hijack a group of touring prefrosh and ransom them back to their families. Don’t be afraid to make an example out of any would-be heroes among them.
32. Gain the sophomore 75.
33. Agree to disagree.
34. Defrock a Jesuit. Then frock him again. Then frock yourself.
35. Fight the power.
36. Concede defeat to the power.
37. Join the power and pretend like you never fought it.
38. Masturbate in the shower while sobbing quietly and drinking shampoo.
39. Join a barbershop quartet that specializes in performing impeccably harmonized versions of classic show tunes sung while masturbating in the shower as while crying and drinking shampoo.
40. Run a joke into the ground.
41. Criticize this piece. Don’t be afraid to get personal.
42. Reject the triune God, smoke thin black cigarettes and attend avant-garde art festivals as a repudiation of your strict Midwestern upbringing.
43. Write lazy, uninspired Voices pieces that exhibit a puerile fixation on penis, midget, and drug and alcohol related humor that only serves to overtly advertise the writer’s own obvious insecurities manifested through his need for constant attention and approval.
44. Eat me.
Scott Matthews is a junior in the College and associate editor of The Georgetown Voice. He writes like shit.
