Each week, one of my favorite activities is to read the “I Saw You” section of the Washington City Paper. Admittedly, it’s a rather dorky way to celebrate the passing of yet another week, but I do enjoy ordering my overpriced Evil Empire from Uncommon Grounds and cozying up with the City Paper.
I’m not sure why the “I Saw You” section fascinates me so much. Perhaps I secretly hope that someone out there saw me. Maybe I just enjoy laughing at how pathetic these people are. In either case, it provides me with a few moments of genuine happiness.
I often find myself constructing mental images of the lives of these poor people who feel they have no place to turn but a barely read section of a free weekly. I know that sounds elitist, but hey, I’m allowed. I’m in the School of Foreign Service and I might as well live up to the stereotype.
That said, I will provide two examples of such “I Saw You” entries, and the imaginary lives I created for the people who submitted them.
SATURDAY, GEORGETOWN WATERFRONT. You: gorgeous, statuesque, model-like blonde in blue skirt, black top and killer legs. Me: tall, sophisticated guy with blue eyes, martini and a gorilla suit. Call me. We can make this happen.
Now, upon first glance one would have to think this is a joke. Who in the world would be at the Georgetown Waterfront in a gorilla suit with a martini? Perhaps gorilla suit is a slang term I am unaware of, perhaps it is some sort of sexual euphemism, I don’t know. However, for the sake of this piece I am going to assume that it is an actual gorilla suit.
Perhaps the man in the gorilla suit was attempting to sell cocktails to people along the waterfront. While I am no FBI profiler, I can already construct a picture of Gorilla Man’s life.
Poor Gorilla Man’s existence consists of working days at a cell-phone faceplate stand at the Pentagon City mall. Of course, since he is “sophisticated,” he describes himself as being employed at the “Fashion Centre.” He works nine to five pushing overpriced poorly made accessories to an unwitting public addicted to wireless phones. He aspires to hopefully one day move up the ladder and work at the Verizon Wireless stand.
Nights and weekends are spent at various bars-trying to drink away the pain that is a result of realizing that your two jobs consist of selling shit at the mall and wearing a gorilla suit.
And so, on that fateful Saturday, while in full Gorilla garb, he sees the most beautiful woman he has seen since the other day at the mall. He decides that it’s about time he takes the next step. He’s going to place an “I Saw You” ad in the City Paper. He figures it’s a good first step on the path to actually getting his life together. Perhaps a better one would be to ditch the gorilla suit.
Another ad that struck my eye also originated at the Georgetown waterfront. Perhaps love is in the air down there.
SAW YOU AT the Georgetown waterfront. You were a British flight attendant with the sexy green dress. You asked to wear my tie. Me: charming, funny, big shoes, curly red hair and full clown makeup. Want to honk my nose?
There are just so many things wrong with this picture, besides the obvious. If she is a British flight attendant, the odds of her actually ever picking up the City Paper are slim to none. But, for the people who submit these ads, their sense of reality is already skewed.
I picture Clown Boy to be in his late twenties, and this is a part-time job. By day, he works at the Georgetown Park Mall. Yes, I realize I am taking shots at mall employees. If any readers are offended, at least you can take solace in the fact that you don’t wear a clown or gorilla suit on the weekends.
Maybe he works at The Sharper Image, or maybe at that store that sells lots of knives. If it’s the latter, he probably sits around wondering why a store that sells only knives can remain in business. Or maybe he just sits there thinking about how many people he could stab with all those knives. Who knows.
And so, each day, he leaves work and heads back to his apartment, where the clown suit is waiting. He used to rent it, but it got too expensive. He dons the suit, and heads down to the waterfront where he sells balloons. Sometimes he wishes he could just overdose on the helium and end it all.
Now, of course, after reading this, I am sure you’ll think I’m a horrible person. Or maybe you’ll think I’m just somehow strangely jealous of these people who are looking for love in the wrong place. Either of those might be true. Probably they both are. But that’s really beside the point.
Who knows, maybe one week I’ll open the “I Saw You” section and see an entry:
FRIDAY AFTERNOON, LEAVEY CENTER, GEORGETOWN: You: Striking brunette beauty reading the “I Saw You” section while sipping on overpriced smoothie. Me: Dorky guy who enjoys the “I Saw You” section as well. Maybe we can see each other, off the page?
But until then, I will just get a good laugh out of the entries, and continue to construct profiles of people who actually think they might find true love in the classified ads.
Anne Glidden is a sophomore in the School of Foreign Service. She dreams of pigeons in the park.
