“Obviously, I wasn’t pleased about that last at-bat.”-Colorado first baseman Todd Helton
On Sunday, Sept. 28th the San Diego Padres, 36.5 games out of first place with a record of 64-97, hosted the Colorado Rockies, 26.5 games out of first place with a record of 73-88. Up 10-7 in the top of the eighth inning, Rockies first baseman Todd Helton stepped up to the plate to face pitcher Rod Beck, needing one more hit to achieve every hitter’s dream: the batting title. Padres catcher Gary Bennett took a look into his dugout, stood up, walked two steps to his left, and signaled for the worst and most shameless intentional walk of all-time.
Helton, Louisville Slugger in hand, ran up to the mound and beat the living bejesus out of Rod Beck. Just kidding, but I’m sure the thought crossed his mind.
Being the consummate professional that he is, Helton trodded down to first base for the final time in his 2002-2003 season, losing out on the batting title by .00022.
Moving onto a not-so-consummate professional: Terrell “throw me the motha-$^#@x%x ball” Owens. It’s TO’s contract year and he’s not very happy by the Bay. After questioning his team’s heart, don’t look for TO to be whipping out his Sharpie and signing a new contract with the Niners. Some team out there will shove millions in that big mouth though, because, even though Randy Moss put up three touchdowns in their marquee match-up, Terrell blocks, Terrell lifts weights, and Terrell is the second-best wide receiver in the game.
Who’s the best? Todd Pinkston, obviously. No, wait, he’s the most freakishly skinny wide receiver in the game. No wonder Donovan McNabb has zero touchdown passes this year. When Todd Pinkston turns sideways, he disappears faster than Darryl Strawberry on a crack binge.
Marvin Harrison’s the best of the best, and his quarterback ain’t too shabby either. 20 for 25, 314 yards and six touchdowns. Even Rush Limbaugh can’t hate on that performance.
Boo to ESPN for hiring him by the way. Are they not happy enough having every sports fan in America eating out of their hands? They gotta go after the poindexters and gun nuts now. Boo!
