Five years ago, Jesse Ventura was elected governor of Minnesota in a tightly contested three-way election that pitted him against another local mayor and Hubert Humphrey’s son. Ventura served one term as governor, then left to return to the private sector, because he figured he could make more money there. He currently has a terrible show on MSNBC called “Jesse Ventura’s America.” His first guests were California Governor Gray Davis and Arianna Huffington.
Davis and Huffington came on Jesse’s show freshly defeated by Arnold Schwarzenegger in California’s recall election. Huffington wasn’t actually defeated; she stepped aside once she realized that even her sparkling personality was no match for Schwarzenegger. While Davis might wish he had opted to step right off the ballot and into the Pacific Ocean, he didn’t, and now he’s done.
I don’t care what they do in California. They can recall each other all they want if its how they want to spend their tiny budget. The important trend is this: two members of the cast of Predator, a late-’80s action flick, have now been elected to statewide office in this country. This bizarre phenomenon has been noted. What has not been noted is that Predator is not the only film shared by these two fine actors. The cornerstone of the future of American politics could also be The Running Man, a Schwarzenegger vehicle from 1987 that also included Ventura.
The Running Man’s entertaining premise now seems eerily close to reality-that in the future, convicted felons will be hunted down and killed on a reality TV show. The movie’s other cool gimmick is that in the future, prisoners will have to wear these big things around their necks that make their heads explode if they escape. These brilliant plot devices are acted out by Jesse, Arnold, and such lesser-known movie stars as Mick Fleetwood and Dweezil Zappa (Frank’s son, brother to Moon Unit). The only thing more laughable than Schwarzenegger and Ventura being elected governors would be Mick Fleetwood and/or Dweezil Zappa having any political influence whatsoever, which means that it will probably happen. All they need is to pull tag lines from their own pop culture careers. Both are natural liberal candidates, but only Fleetwood has the kind of name recognition necessary. He may not be the man behind any of Fleetwood Mac’s lyrics-he played drums-but it’s not as if Arnold wrote his own scripts. “You can go your own way!” “Players only love you when they’re playin’!” “Don’t stop thinkin’ about tomorrow!” All are, or have already been, possible campaign slogans. All are too lame for all but the lamest candidates (John Kerry, for example, would probably like one or two of those).
So our next governor is probably coming from Predator. In the movie, a tale of an American special-ops force in the jungles of Central America engaged in a battle to the death with an invisible alien with a laser in its arm, Schwarzenegger played Dutch, a cigar-chomping guy with a huge gun. Ventura, in the crowning role of his career, played Blain, a guy with an even bigger gun and a funny hat.
Limiting ourselves to the cast’s shining lights, our remaining gubernatorial candidates include:
Elpidia Carillo, the movie’s love interest. Her acting career since has included bit roles in Tortilla Heaven and Solaris.
Carl Weathers, another guy with a huge gun who, if memory serves, is the last person to die before Schwarzenegger takes on the Predator alone. He made a name for himself before Predator as Apollo Creed in the Rocky movies.
Kevin Peter Hall, who played the Predator (a cool looking thing with a huge hinged jaw), unfortunately died of AIDS in 1991. But not before playing the Predator again in Predator 2.
Of the three, Weathers is probably the strongest candidate. Unfortunately, his career has since gone straight to video. So let us imagine, for a moment, that the future of America isn’t necessarily limited to Predator. Consider the possibility that it will explode into a kind of Six-Degrees-of-Kevin-Bacon-type situation, whereby a person can only be elected to office if they have a certain degree of linkage to Predator. If so, Weathers, who is well past the peak of his fame, could be off the hook. (It helps to be at the peak of your fame. This summer, in the midst of the recall, millions of Californians were actually paying for the opportunity to spend almost two hours watching Schwarzenegger. The same cannot be said of Davis).
Meanwhile, literally thousands of potential governors and presidents come up. How about Sylvester Stallone, who played alongside Weathers in so many Rocky movies? (He also starred in Demolition Man, which featured Jesse Ventura.) Or Emma Thompson, who starred with Schwarzenegger in Junior, a movie that Jane Austen-period Emma Thompson would probably like you to forget? Or Paul Rubens (a.k.a. Pee-wee Herman), who starred in Big Top Pee-wee, which had Kevin Hall in a bit role?
Rubens couldn’t get elected to the PTA, much less statewide office (although the movie isn’t all that bad, and includes Kris Krostofferson married to a midget). And with all due respect to Mrs. Thompson, this phenomenon is probably an action-hero phenomenon. America is not ready for English-accented parlor comedy-oriented executives.
But that doesn’t mean that women need not apply. Alien vs. Predator is currently in pre-production, and is scheduled to come out next year. In Alien, Sigourney Weaver fights an alien. While she may not kill it in the end (sequels beckon), she kicks ass. The challenge is finding tag lines-the movie is low on dialogue, and doesn’t really have any Arnold-style rallying cries. But what it does have is a great scene in which an alien parasite crawls out of a person’s abdomen. How Sigourney could use this to political effect, I have no idea. But Hillary Clinton, an obvious future candidate who is about as unlikable as Arnold is loved, has options. If she could somehow climb out of husband Bill’s abdomen-killing him in the process, and showering all present with blood, at, say, the Democratic National Convention-that might be worth something. Such a hawkish display, combined with the death of the former president, would put American conservatives under her thumb. The un-faked special effects would bring in the 95 percent of the country that cares more about movies than politics. And Hillary will have found a way to become “human” to American voters-by killing people in an entertaining fashion. Possible variations on this theme include airdropping Hillary and Jesse Ventura into the jungles of South America, or giving Hillary a huge exploding pearl necklace. Once Fox picks up the ‘04 campaign, expect to see these suggestions become amendments to the Constitution. If the United States is serious about having a democracy with actual participants, we’re gonna need to make a few changes.
Bill Cleveland is a senior in the School of Foreign Service and assistant voices editor of The Georgetown Voice. Booya.
