Hey everyone! Welcome to Georgetown University, my name is Guy Whitey Corngood and I’ll be your overly enthusiastic tour leader! Not only can I walk backwards while talking, but I can also summon enough fake enthusiasm to end every single one of my sentences with exclamation marks! Wow! Now, don’t be afraid, take my hand, and I’ll show you the wonders that abound at Georgetown! We’ll finish up at the Leavey Center around 12:30 for lunch. There’s a Taco Bell there.
You’ll notice the beautiful and historic flora and fauna dotting the campus, just as you were meant to. Those flowers will be gone a week after the bulk of the pre-frosh tours are done, leaving barren holes in the ground which students can fill with beer cans or their imaginations. And as for those fawns you see stumbling around, let’s just say they’ve been heavily sedated to ensure the greatest breathtaking natural beauty without trampling people to death. Watch out for the squirrels though, those vicious suckers would just as soon look at you as rip your eyes out-just last week a few of them stacked up on top of each other, pulled a knife on me and took my wallet.
Here is the famous rooftop of Village A. During your first year, whenever anyone asks you what’s going on this weekend and you want to seem like you’re down you’ll say, “I think there’s a rooftop party tonight,” and you will be right, because there’s one every weekend, ‘til about 9:30 when they get busted.
Oh, and don’t mind the dirty old men in bathrobes chasing students around with video cameras. They’re just residents looking to incriminate students who might potentially vandalize their property or disturb the peace with a loud, Busch Light-soaked party. They probably also want to be ready in case some of the students decide to go wild and resort to some hot steamy action like taking their shirts off and making out … but I’ll talk about the lacrosse and crew teams later. Both of which, I might add, are quite historic. Hey, the group seems a little smaller. Did we lose some stragglers along the way? Well, it was bound to happen in an area as teeming with wolves as Georgetown. I’d like to ask the rest of you to stay in a compact group and not stray far from the pack.
This is historic Copley Lawn, or “Drive-By Alley” as it’s known here on campus. What? Oh, it’s just a name, think nothing of it. Actually, there’s quite a bit of history here on Copley Lawn; it was actually an Indian burial ground before the Indians were driven off by a cult of roving cannibals who performed unspeakable rituals here before they mysteriously disappeared, leaving the deed to the land lying around to be found by the Jesuits years later. They say that sometimes, late at night when there’s a full moon out, you can still see drunk kids vomiting on the lawn. But during the daytime, once the temperature hits about 40 degrees or so the lawn belongs to sunbathers. Of course, the sunbathers are also haunted. Yes, let’s move on.
This is historic Lauinger Library, and no, you’re not seeing things; that is the ugliest building you’ve ever seen. The front entrance is a great place to smoke and talk on your cell phone while posturing, and inside there are numerous lounges designed for seeing and being seen.
For those of you into gambling, aside from the numerous poker games and riverboat gambling establishments dotting the campus, there are also the weekly monkey knife fights in Dahlgren Quad. These are a favorite among all lovers of ultra-violent blood sports, and among people who just think the monkeys look adorable in their little matching outfits as they struggle to wield knives.
Here we are at Wisemiller’s, a campus staple known for their deliciously overrated Chicken Madness, a sandwich second only to about half the other menu items. If you’ll follow me outside you’ll see another campus favorite: the Wisey’s Guy. Besides being the first entrepreneur to strike on the idea of asking rich white kids for change, he’s also a decorated war hero. Go ahead and ask him sometime. He’s also known for his philanthropic endeavors, sponsoring a student for a free scholarship every year, as well as donating to numerous charities and nonprofit organizations with the money he receives from playas right here at Georgetown. Again, feel free to ask him about it, he loves talking about his work.
Well, it looks like this is just about the end of our tour today; I just want to say it’s been a pleasure and I look forward to seeing those of you arbitrarily selected by the entrance committee. As for those of you not lucky enough to be chosen, well, let’s just say I hate you.
Scott Matthews is a junior in the College and an associate editor of The Georgetown Voice. He should be shot in the face.
