Athletic traditionalists in America have decried the on-the-field antics of modern professional athletes, which they warn have trickled down to youth playing fields. They are nostalgic for the days when a player would just hand the ball back to the referee instead of working on his dance moves in the end zone. Feeling as though it should take far less than five minutes to trot around the bases after hitting a home run, old-timer coaches often tell their young players to “act like you’ve done it before.” This mantra is repeated across the country in Little League, Pop Warner and every other youth sports organization. The argument is that players diminish their own success by overreacting to it. I say to these traditionalists, if you think the celebrations of American athletes are over-the-top, you are being very na?ve, my pot-bellied, cowboy-hat-wearing friend. Go watch a major European soccer game for a little perspective.
During my semester abroad in Europe, I’ve seen a lot of soccer on TV. It’s pretty hard to avoid here. I’ve become fascinated with the perverse art of post-goal celebrations, and I think I’m now somewhat of an expert in soccer celebratology-a complex, yet fascinating science. Rather than vilify these celebrations, I have decided to embrace them for what they are: hilarious. I have broken them down into three categories. Follow carefully, so that if you ever find yourself scoring a goal in a pickup game on Healy Lawn, you’ll know how to act like a professional.
The first category is the “I’m too sexy” celebration. Only do this one if you’ve recently worked on your abs because the shirt, oh yeah, it’s coming off. Wave it in the air like a helicopter, wrap it around your neck, whatever feels right. The important thing is that everyone on the field, and any passing spectators, gets to gawk at your chiseled upper body. The British kid on my high school soccer team pulled this move once during a game. Of course, the referee penalized him, but he couldn’t believe it. Post-goal partial nudity was standard procedure where he came from. He called the ref a wanker and went on to score three more goals.
The second type of celebration in the “wild goose chase.” In this maneuver, you must run away from your teammates who are trying to congratulate you. Duck, swerve, dip, and change direction as fast as you can, just don’t let them catch up. You are the Roadrunner and they are Wile E. Coyote. This tactic is a very popular one, and I’m not quite sure why. It doesn’t seem very logical to try to avoid the people who just want to pat you on the back and say “nice job.” No matter. It’s best not to overanalyze the reasoning behind these celebrations. The important thing is to bask in the spotlight for as long as you possibly can.
The final category is my personal favorite: the “shock and awe” celebration. In this act, you are so completely baffled by the perfection of your goal, that you simply do not know what to do with yourself. “How could it be that my humble foot could have produced such a wonderful work of art?” you ask. “Such delicate beauty. Such unfathomable splendor.” Your emotions overwhelm you as you place both hands against your cheeks, trying to comprehend your own God-like abilities. You collapse to the ground, and the tears begin to flow. Your teammates try to pick you up, but how can they expect you to move at a time like this? You can’t, but you must. You struggle to your feet, mouthing something in the Romance language of your choice. You blow kisses to the puzzled Jesuit who is staring at you from the Copley steps. Your talent is immeasurable.
Keep in mind that it is only the goal scorer who is the focus of any of these celebrations. Even if a teammate provided the most spectacular assist the world has ever seen, leading to your simple tap-in goal, it doesn’t matter. That’s just the way it works. Maybe you’ll buy him a Smirnoff Ice later that night at the disco. I’d do it for you.
Scott Conroy is a junior in the College. He’s planning on showing you his chiseled abs as soon as he gets back to the States.
