Hi everyone! It’s Joan Rivers here at the Apocalypse, where it’s not just a parade of the damned, but of the damned good looking! I can’t even tell you how hard it is to get in these gates, but luckily we’re inside where I’ll be keeping my wrinkled, corpse-like finger on the pulse of what’s hot and what’s not. With a lip-smacking sample of religions represented here today, it should be easy for us to get you the E! Hollywood exclusive on some of the hottest religious fashion trends since the six-pack- on-dogwood look was all the rage.
Mormons-New York, Milan, Tokyo- and now, Salt Lake City. For the first and last name in polygamous fashion, check out these trendsetters who try so hard to look like normal people, yet somehow fail consistently. Founded by Joseph Smith (who discovered the Gold Plates of Fashion), you’ll want to get into a Mormon’s pants even if it’s just for the chance to check out their special, sexual-desire-repelling underwear.
Lutherans-These reformers prove that you can never be too thin or too devout. How do they do it? It’s the new avant-garde health plan: The Diet of Worms.
Agnostics-These fashion chameleons can’t commit to a style. Plaid with stripes? Pleats with religious ambivalence? Just make up your minds already.
Amish-Yeah, churn that butter, baby. And what better way to do it than in electrifying earth tone suits and long dresses that just scream, ‘Do me Jebediah’? Bonnets are so retro, and nothing is more slimming than a well-tailored white apron.
Muslims-We have nothing but deep and abiding respect for all Muslims.
Atheists-The mark of the devil looks hot with anything you accessorize it with, and these fashion outsiders will make you a non-believer with their skeptically sexy attire. You won’t believe it!
Orthodox Jews-This is where we separate the shikshas from the goyims. Just because you’ve given up eating pork doesn’t mean you have to give up looking fabulous. Yarmulkes and some chosen clothes can keep you kosher and kool.
Other Jews-”You’re going out looking like that, boychik? With that shvatza on your keppe? Oy vey! I’m never having great-grandchildren from a yenta like you. Here, bubelah, take my credit card and buy something less gentile. And cop that new Barbara Streisand record while you’re out.”
Unitarians-Pleated trousers and blazers? Who do these people think they are, Seventh day Adventists?
Monks-The religious ascetics who are a little bit country, a little bit rock n’ roll, these cloistered cuties have a look that says love me, don’t persecute me. They’ve taken a vow … of gorgeousness!
Christian Scientists-Don’t think white lab coats and goggles; they’re not real scientists! More like flowing garb and a crazy gleam in their eye.
Jehovah’s Witness- And on the eighth day, God created feather boas and sequined cocktail dresses for these soldiers of fashion who sing it loud, swing it proud and wear their fabulousness right next to their ultra-conservative convictions: on their perfectly tucked and tailored sleeve!
Catholics- The power of Christ compels you … to be beautiful! Sure they’re a little slutty in those church-mandated school-girl skirts, but who isn’t in these pride and sin-filled days? The only thing that can top these sexy uniforms is the outlandish outfits worn by the priests. Don’t you just want to eat those collars with ice cream?
Hare Krishnas-Orange is the new black, and shutting the hell up is the new soliciting.
Satanists- Apparently, a friend of the devil is a friend of fashion! Just remember: Any outfit looks better when paired with a smile. So come on, get happy! We give this look 666 stars!
Buddhists-Word is they have a sense of inner peace and enlightenment-now if only they could take those qualities and wrap them around themselves, they’d really have something going. I mean, nothing screams non-attachment to the physical world like hot new clothes and accessories!
Scientologists-Led by fashion pioneer L. Ron Hubbard, their style can only be described as sexually enturbulated. Dianetics? You must mean damn fine aesthetics! Nothing says plausible major world religion like little navy sailor suits or Battlefield Earth-type regalia.
Hindus-Leather! Leather! Leather! These untouchably hot fashion gurus are constantly reincarnating trends that we thought left this spiritual plane years ago.
Zoroastrianists-They couldn’t make it, since they were the only religion to get it right. Zoroastriansists are now kicking it in heaven, smoking the kindest of all kind bud with God Himself. Well, that’s it for this end of the world. We’ll see you at the Final Judgment and Rapture after-party. Bring along your hate mail.
Scott Matthews is a senior in the College and a Contributing Editor of the Georgetown Voice. Bailey Somers is a Senior in the School of Foreign Service and a Contributing Editor of the Georgetown Voice. Forgive them, Father, for they are fabulous.
