My house now sits under nine inches of flood water, thanks to a certain Frances, a storm the size of Texas. Having lived in Florida for 12 years, I have grown accustomed to hurricanes. Gordon scared us, and so did Irene and Gabrielle. Tropical storm Edouard gave us his best shot, but who can even pronounce Edouard anyway? Henri and Charley reminded us that meteorologists have trouble spelling normal names. When I moved to D.C., I thought I had finally left the danger zone, but then we got hit by Isabel last year. After all this experience, I have a few pearls of wisdom to pass on for hurricane survival. Here is the advice that the talking heads on the local newscast usually leave out.
Hurricanes have hit the district before, so in true Boy Scout fashion, you should be prepared. When purchasing last minute emergency supplies, remember that all that polite behavior you learned in kindergarten goes out the window. Your life will be over if you do not have that fifth pack of double D batteries. I don’t care if that old lady is crying because she’s not used to reading by candlelight. You need those batteries far more than she does.
The effectiveness of taping up windows is severely overrated. Duct tape placed in the standard “X” on your window will neither stop it from shattering, nor will it stop the broken glass from getting all over your house. Some people prefer putting a cross on their windows instead of an “X.” Unfortunately, this strategy would only work if hurricanes were vampires.
When deciding how to pass the time during a storm, it’s best not to plan activities that require electricity. It may come as a surprise, but the Xbox does not work without power. Furthermore, during severe weather, flimsy power cables tend to break. Remember also that when your power goes out, so too does your water, because it normally runs on an electric pump. Although missing showers is an annoyance, going medieval-style with the chamber pot is by far the worst part of any natural disaster.
Spray-painting messages to the storm is a very popular way of expressing angst during a hurricane. It is quite common to see “Bring it on” or “Screw you” on plywood boards protecting buildings. I am always one to admire creativity, but storms cannot read, so if your intention is to pick a fight with the closest Category 4, that might not be the best way to go about it.
After graduation, you may be tempted to move to a warmer climate. Every year, thousands upon thousands of people move to Florida to work, retire, avoid state income taxes and qualify for Floridian discounts to Disney World. What is shocking to me is that so many people choose to move to mobile homes, an option I urge you to decline. Living in a mobile home in Florida is like standing in the middle of a field and holding up a 20-foot metal pole during a lightning storm. Hurricanes may skip over your neighbor’s ugly lawn ornaments, but if your house is constructed with aluminum siding, they will get you.
And what is the most important advice I can give you on surviving a hurricane? I’ll tell you the same thing I told my mother after a tree fell on our kitchen during Charley: Don’t forget to stock up on wine.
