Like many Americans, you’re probably looking forward to the government-sanctioned gluttony fest known as Thanksgiving. For most people, this holiday conjures images of pacified Pilgrims and Indians gathered around a table piled high with nature’s bounty. However, most people are also idiots. It’s time America learned the truth about Thanksgiving.
History books will have you believe that the Mayflower landed at Plymouth Rock in December 1620. Despite a difficult winter during which almost half the Pilgrims died, the harvest of 1621 was plentiful. The Pilgrims and their Indian friends gathered to celebrate their victory over the elements with an autumn feast. Thus the first Thanksgiving was held.
This story is obviously a total lie. Think about it. You’re a pilgrim. You’ve been on a boat for 66 days. It’s cold, it’s raining and not only are people sick, but also they’re dying right in front of you. When you finally reach land, you realize that the desolate, barren rock you are now forced to call home is actually worse than the religious persecution you faced back in England. To make matters worse, it’s already inhabited and the natives aren’t too keen on being colonized. There is nothing for which to be thankful . In fact, you’re wondering what you did to make God hate you so much.
Even if the harvest the following fall yielded enough food to sustain the pilgrims, the psychological damage inflicted by the winter would have gotten in the way of any kind of celebration. The pilgrims probably spent that fall forming support groups and conquering the five stages of grief. After all, you can’t give thanks until you come to terms with your miserable existence.
Additionally, all the classic activities associated with Thanksgiving could not possibly have originated in the early 17th century. The first Macy’s department store didn’t open for business until around 1670. How could they have had the traditional parade if the store didn’t even exist yet? It’s not Thanksgiving without a giant Bullwinkle balloon and B-list stars singing show tunes on floats.
Another integral part of holiday is the Thanksgiving football game, but it’s pretty clear that the Pilgrims didn’t toss around a football to work up an appetite. They were dropping like flies from starvation. Had they had pigskin they would have eaten it. And with half the original settlers dead, it would have been impossible to field a decent team for a Thanksgiving Day game against the Indians. Talk about a rebuilding season; that was more like a rebuilding generation.
Even more indicative of the complete falsehood of the original Thanksgiving story is the fact that the following year, 1622, there was no Thanksgiving celebration. In 1623, in the midst of a drought, Governor William Bradford called for a public prayer for rain. When it began to downpour the next day, he declared that another Thanksgiving celebration be held. Following the example set by the Pilgrims, the dates of all holidays should be completely arbitrary. Today, Nov. 18, is Thanksgiving. Why? Because I said so. Don’t ask questions. Just start making the cornbread.
So if the first Thanksgiving wasn’t in 1621, then when was it? According to reliable Internet sources, the first Thanksgiving was celebrated in 1974, following a Canadian public access television broadcast of the cartoon “Intergalactic Thanksgiving.” In the film, a space-travelling family in a covered-wagon-style spacecraft lands on the planet Laughalot. There, two types of people exist: the subjects of King Goochi, who have fun all day long and do no work, and the Bugs, who do the work that allows society to function. After visiting the Bugs, the family teaches King Goochi and his subjects a lesson about the value of hard work.
Despite being on Canadian television, the film’s effects were felt across the United States. People realized that perhaps they were like the subjects of King Goochi, constantly consuming without reflection: searching for fun and eschewing hard work. While this didn’t bother most Americans, newly inaugurated President Gerald Ford decided to take a stand. In the only noteworthy action of his administration, Ford made Thanksgiving Day an official holiday, “Lest we forget the Bugs that propel this great nation.”
And thus Thanksgiving was born, a day in which Americans unite to consume carbohydrates, watch football on TV and offer thanks for all that they have been given. Next Thursday, instead of perpetuating the myth of Pilgrims and Indians, tell your family about “Intergalactic Thanksgiving” and celebrate the true meaning of the holiday.
