In honor of the death of love (see cover story), I’ve decided to go through the old mailbag and find some questions from readers like you?-lonely,emotionally crippled children that you are. After sifting through all the hate mail and letters that begin, “I can’t believe what I just read at a Catholic University blah blah blah …” I’ve come up with the following queries from Joe and Jane Hoyas looking for some advice on everything from dating and relationships to the best way to get peanut butter stains out of their favorite leather bondage mask.
Q: What’s with guys at Georgetown? Like, you know?
A: Sexperts like myself get hundreds of poorly-worded queries from girls like this one. A lot of girls complain to me that guys at Georgetown are only interested in sex and don’t care about dating or relationships. Actually, ladies, the real problem is your unrealistic expectations, like that he’ll “call you” the next day, or “recognize” you in class, or even “use a condom” or “admit the baby is his.” Come on, ladies, get serious. Sure, I could give you lots of useful advice like, I don’t know, take the initiative and call him yourself, or be honest and tell him how you feel, or don’t play relationship games that are childishly stupid and that betray your own shallowness. But since no one really likes the truth if it doesn’t coincide with what they want to hear, let’s just agree that all guys are assholes. Good, now pop in Sex and the City, grab a bucket of ice cream seasoned with the salty tears of loneliness and try not to think about your biological clock slowly grinding itself to a rusty halt, or your womb withering up like a prune.
Q: I’ve been poked on the facebook; can I get pregnant from that?
A: Yes. Yes you can. Whore.
Q: I thought it would be good to get my roommate some sexy underwear as a sort of fun, unusual birthday present, but I don’t want it to seem strange. What kind should I get for her?
A: Rubber is always a good idea. So is pleather, which is a synthetic blend of leather and pleasure. Or you could be creative, and make your own out of construction paper, dried macaroni and glitter for a more personal touch.
Q: I don’t know how to talk to girls. What advice can you give to someone who’s always saying the wrong thing?
A: Remember to always be polite, never dominate the conversation, ask about her interests and pay her frequent compliments. At all costs, avoid phrases like, “I see ‘em jigglin’ but I don’t hear you talkin’” and, “Do you come here often, or do you wait ‘til you get home?” Also, if given the choice, refer to sex as ‘making love,’ and not ‘making stains.’
Q: I just had sex with a guy 10 minutes ago and he hasn’t called yet. What should I do?
A: End yourself.
Q: Which is more reliable, the rhythm method, pulling out or using a sock?
A: They all make God cry. The only fool-proof method (about 2 percent effective) is abstinence.
Q: I think that I got an STD from my girlfriend, but she won’t admit that it could have come from her and won’t even acknowledge that she has it. What should I do about a) the painful urination and b) my untrustworthy girlfriend?
A: Well, you know what they say: feed a fever, starve the herp. As for your girlfriend, she should be made to wear the scarlet letters VD (which stands for STD) and be shunned by the Georgetown community.
Q: Who should I call for a good time?
A: Veronica at 459-8090.
And I’m spent. If I didn’t get around to answering your letter then I probably used it as a contraceptive. If my prodigious knowledge could be transmitted sexually, I’d infect you all with my wisdom, but until then I’ll keep rubbing out these columns, tiring as they may be. Now I’m off to bed and all I can say is you had better damn well be gone by the time I wake up. I mean … I love you.
