“Who is Matthew Posner?”
Mr. Doe, sitting here in front of me, thinks that starting off an interview with such a poignant question really puts him in touch with the interviewee and puts us both at ease. Is he serious? Is this guy for real? Is he expecting some surprise answer that will blow him away? This is an interview with John Doe at the Organization for Peace … or was it Save the Children? Oh, that’s right, it’s the Institute for All Good Things for People of All Religions, Races, Gender, Sexual Orientation and Hair Color.
The trouble is that this is quite possibly the most loaded question that can come between the Do-Good organization and the recent college graduate. Clearly, neither of us is expecting an honest response. This question is code for: this is your chance to tacitly sell yourself to this organization.
Like many seniors, I am going through the dreaded application process. The non-profit, social justice, development (you get the idea) sector requires a certain type of interview that, in reality, doesn’t ask too much from its applicants besides a cause, leadership, dedication and a whole lot of fluff.
Perhaps I’ve grown too cynical with the countless interviews, applications, recommendations, and career fairs in the last few months. I started this whole process a while ago, with a good heart and the will to make a difference. But I think I’ve reached the point where I am sick of selling myself. It’s time to be honest:
“What do you think about our organization? ” Well, Mr. Doe, I think that most of what your group does is crap. Instead of pussyfooting around the real issues of world hunger, genocide, human and civil rights, you could hire me and change the world! Instead, you will take me on to write memos, get your lunch, walk door to door in Anacostia asking people to donate money if they care about the environment. Overall, I think you will waste my time.
“Why are you interested in us and not other organizations?” Well, I like what you do, and I could see myself doing it, but the same goes for the 11 organizations I talked to last week. It’s not that it wouldn’t be a good fit; it’s just that, well, I am about to get out of college and I don’t know exactly what I want to do. So screw you, and let me figure it out while I sell you my soul for $700 a month and no insurance plan.
“Did you get involved in the President’s inauguration?” You mean, am I an activist who gets involved in the issues of the day? I did not throw eggs at the presidential motorcade. That’s right, I feared the repercussions of being sent to Guantanamo for a year and ended up just giving him the finger.
You see, kids, they all have us by the jugular. They know we will bullshit them, stroke their egos (You guys really make a difference!), and work our asses off for peanuts. But fear not! I have a plan to save all of us who are not going into investment banking:
Use your expensive education for what it was intended to be used for: The Fine Art of Bullshitting. Flipping out at an interview and trying to set a new precedent won’t always work in your favor (my cousin Sam tried this approach last year, and is currently building portable toilets in Blacksburg, VA).
So, here goes: “Mr. Doe, Matthew Posner (repeat name so he remembers who he’s talking to) is a dedicated hard worker, who, when he believes in a cause, will put all his blood, sweat and tears into it (make sure you make eye contact here). I have used my extracurricular time at Georgetown (repeat that you go to a prestigious university) to get involved in as much as I can on campus (Aha! I am a leader), work with people from all over the world (I am culturally exposed) and have had a variety of internships (I’ve got the experience) to show me the ins and outs of organizations dedicated to respecting all religions, genders, sexual orientations, spiritualities and hair colors (I have prior experience in what you do). I would fit into your organization because of its unique work in the field of respect for people who dye their hair green (if you are really good you would have gotten it out of him at the very start that Mr. Doe dyed his hair green back in the day). Once, I even dyed my hair! (I have a cause!) Mr. Doe, Matthew Posner (repeat your name once again so he knows who you are) is the man for the job.”
