As a graduating senior, I can think of nothing worse than discussing my life with elder acquaintances who inevitably bestow the following words of wisdom upon me: “I hope you’ve had fun because the college years will be the best ones of your life.” How am I supposed to respond to that? “Yeah, so I’ve heard. But thanks for letting it sink in one more time, now that it’s almost over. I guess I’ll go curl up in bed and start sobbing.”
My classmates and I will soon have to part ways with many of our best friends and our homes of the past four years, and that’s bad enough. But the constant reminders of our dwindling days here are made worse with the knowledge that in a few short weeks, many of the happy-go-lucky college students amongst us seem destined to turn into either down-on-our-luck homeless people or, if we are able to land jobs, callous working stiffs.
Work is hard to come by these days, and for those of us who chose not to devote our academic careers to a certain Mr. McDonough and his School of Business, it’s even harder. But I’m here to give hope to the soon-to-be jobless masses. We need to keep our chins up. Many great Americans have been counted among the ranks of the unemployed. One of the nation’s finest thespians, Jeff Cohen, who played the role of Chunk in The Goonies, hasn’t seen acting work in years, but I doubt that he’s sitting around all day, depressed and eating ice cream … well, maybe the latter, but not because he’s depressed. No one seems to know how Paris Hilton makes a living, but she’s doing quite well for herself without the aid of a “real job.” And what about Kato Kaelin? As far as I can tell, Kaelin has never made an honest living in his life, but he went on to achieve a year or so of fame about a decade ago.
One great part about not having a job is getting to make your own rules. The gainfully employed have to sit behind a desk in an uncomfortable suit and oxygen-restricting tie, writing memos and taking orders from unappreciative bosses. But when you’re unemployed, you can sprawl out on your friend’s couch in a coffee-stained t-shirt and sweatpants, watching movies like Office Space as you chuckle to yourself about the lives of poor, working stiffs. You might be broke, but no one can take away your right to make snide remarks about others-one of life’s true joys. If your working friends tell you how pathetic you are, as they cash their “paychecks” and buy “possessions,” just ignore them if they’re bigger than you, and give them a healthy serving of good old-fashioned knuckle sandwich if they’re smaller.
Many of us worry about the social stigma of being unemployed. I say, stop worrying and start constructing webs of impenetrable lies. Imagine this: You’re out with one of your employed friend for drinks on a Friday night (someone whom you promise you’ll reimburse for the cab fare and bar tab later) when an attractive member of the opposite sex strikes up a conversation. He or she seems interested in both of you and asks what you do for a living. Your friend answers by providing the mundane details of his job as a staffer on Capitol Hill/non-profit researcher/grad school student, blah, blah, blah. The party on the receiving end of this conversation has heard it all before and will feign slight interest while concocting a scheme to end the conversation as soon as possible.
Before you allow an escape, take a sip from your drink and casually mention that you’re being recruited by the C.I.A., which is no big deal, since you wouldn’t even consider taking the job unless they promised to send you to a place where you could make a real difference, either by capturing terrorists or nourishing starving babies. The party in question will be wildly impressed, and your friend will be too shocked to protest. Score another one for the unemployed.
And so, seniors, the next time someone tells you that your best days are now behind you, remember that you’re still young (even if your hairline is already starting to recede). When one of your friends brags about the joy of contributing to society in a positive way, remember that temporary unemployment has its own benefits.
It makes no sense to get depressed about the future because they’re going to kick us out of here soon whether we like it or not. Those of us who can recall the days of yore-when New South wasn’t so new-looking, the GoCard was but a dream and even rich kids wore their collars down-will be left with only our memories and really bad hangovers. As far as I’m concerned, even if these do turn out to be the best four years of my life, that still leaves room for a pretty darn good rest of my life. So, thanks for that.
