The mood was pleasant. Dim lights, a dry Cabernet Sauvignon, a funky but elegant enough restaurant. I even took a shower. We sat down and the conversation was subdued as we looked over the menu. Starting to sweat out the uncomfortable silence, I asked her a random question.
“So, like … uhh, what’s your favorite drink, alcoholic or not?” Enter the internal monologue: Damn, Matt, are you trying to look like a tool?
Sarah sat back thoughtfully. Running her hands over her complimentary glass of water, she looked at me and said quite sincerely, “Well, it’s funny you ask that because I was thinking about it just the other day and I realized that I just love water. It tastes so good and it’s low-cal.”
I laughed. I chuckled. I snickered. Then I looked up at her confused eyes. It wasn’t a joke. She was serious about water.
“Out of all the drinks in the world, water is your top pick?,” I thought. “What about a smoothie, or a milkshake?” And then it hit me that her response was all about image. Was she so self-conscious that she turned to the blandest drink ever to prove her healthiness? No one would say they love water because they really do. Or would they?
The rest of the date went well. The conversation was typical, we got a little tipsy, there was a kiss at the end of the night. But I couldn’t get over the water ordeal for the whole evening. Why would someone answer with water? Being the inquisitive young man that I am, I decided to look into the matter by asking some of my female friends what else they do to keep up a positive self-image. To say the least, I was shocked.
Some women told me that they manage their caloric intake during the day so that they can go out and drink that evening. So they’ll eat a salad and chug some forties later on? How confusing.
They’ll pay hard-earned money to have hot wax put on their skin, to pull the roots of the hair out of their legs, and all because it leaves a shiny surface for longer than shaving.
Some women told me they go to the beach for the main purpose of getting a tan. I am not totally clueless on this one, but why not have fun in the water, be active and get a tan at the same time? To top this one off, some even go to get a fake tan BEFORE they go to the beach.
Exercise classes these days apparently turn up the heat in the room to force their students to sweat more. Others actually increase the air pressure in the exercise rooms, forcing their patrons’ heart rates to rise, so that they can lose weight more quickly.
To be fair, women are not the only ones engaging in this behavior. Some men shave or wax their chests, backs and-how shall we say?-private areas. Metrosexual is in! Once, in the middle of a bourbon binge, I called a tanning salon and they actually quoted a price for a male crotch tan. So it’s not just a crazy female thing. Men and women entering the 21st century get tan crotches and go to heated body pump classes on a regular basis.
Now, I don’t want to come off as immune. I do work out and go running on a regular basis. I eat my greens. In the interest of full disclosure, I actually drink a lot of water. Despite all this, I like to think of myself a regular Joe.
We care so much about how we look that we go to insane lengths to make sure our abs are tight and plan our days around getting sufficiently trashed and socially lubricated so that we can hook up and check out each other’s tanned crotches.
We as a people are so concerned with how we look in the eyes of others that it influences all our actions and opinions. I’ve heard it only gets worse as we age. At the shallowest level, body image obsession can be attributed to boredom and self-centeredness. The worrying is not really about how you look physically, it’s about how you feel about yourself. On that note, I’m going to hit up that new spinning class and then head over to Whole Foods for some Vitamin Water. What, you haven’t heard? Water is out; Vitamin water is in.
