A flabby-armed lunch lady once told me that you are what you eat. Empirically, it seems correct; I eat round things like bagels, doughnuts, M&Ms, and I am round. I also propose that you are what you leave. I’m talking about away messages, long-pondered, painstakingly-created away messages.
Our generation has seen the evolution of away messages. Originally, the only way to have Instant Message capabilities was to subscribe to America Online. With this came the preset away messages like “Out to lunch” and the now lazy “I am away from my computer . . .” The folks at AOL quickly realized that the one thing we wanted more than anything was a true way to express how we felt when we left our computer on and didn’t go to lunch or were really there and not away. We took this freedom and ran with it, posting schedules, philosophical quotes, moronic quotes, political dissertations and all manner of lamentations, and generally not saying “I’m away.”
I start with the class of away messages that are the most frustrating: the schedules. I have a love-hate relationship with the schedule message because it is certainly the most useful in telling me that the person is in fact away and leaving a message would be appropriate. The schedule messages also are the least self-fulfilling because they assume if you’re reading them that you actually care where the person is. Yet, these messages subtly convey a patronizing tone that says, “Look at what tubular things I’m doing like going to the gym and an economics class while you pine for a glimpse of my away message.” That’s why no one puts up a schedule that says, “Skipping class and eating a Chicken Madness… leave one!”
As my college career has progressed, I have been able to track a lot of friends from high school through away messages. It seems a lot of them have become ultra-pretentious, spouting off quotes from their most recent lecture about man’s precarious niche in the existential spectrum. I often find these to be somewhat enlightening for eight seconds, but ultimately depressing. Also in this class are music lyrics by indie bands that run the gamut from dark and disturbing to heavy and heart- breaking. Very rarely do these messages say anything except ,”I’m not stable right now, please try again later.” To counter this, simply throw up a Ludacris lyric and let everyone know you’re feeling right again.
For well-deserved laughs, nothing works better than an out-of-context quote from one of your friends, credited with some sort of pseudonym like Stinks. The ones I’m currently reading claim, “Well, I’ll be a greased Jesus…” and “I’m pretty sure my Econ GSI has never been laid-My luvah.” Not in this class of quotables is movie quotes. They’re funny when you see them, a little less but still funny when you quote them with your buddies, but ultimately very not funny in print. “Vegas, baby, VEEEGAAASSSS” is not funny except when you say it to someone before going to Vegas. Otherwise, it is copyright infringement, and they decided thirty years ago in Sweden that you have to pay 250,000 dollars.
If only to prove the pointlessness of away messages, I just saw my ex-girlfriend’s “Sleeping” away message turn into a white blob on my screen. I thought I was safe. I was lulled into a false sense of security because she was supposed to be sleeping. Now, I’m finishing writing while trying to explaining that I’m not ignoring her but that I thought she should respect my away message, which reads, “Clubbing baby seals, back soon!” I guess we reap what we sow.
