Dear Annabelle: Is it wrong to have a sexual fantasy about a Jesuit?
Sincerely, Fantasizing in philosophy
Dear Fantasizing:
Absolutely not. There is nothing more tantalizing than something you can’t have, especially when those objects of desires are the dashing Soldiers of Christ cutting dapper figures about campus in those devastatingly slimming black trousers. They are everything a girl could want in a man: smart, focused and someone you could bring home to your mother (minus the collar). The collar however, is precisely the problem. While it is fine to think naughty thoughts, please confine your fantasy to your own mind. These men have devoted their lives to learning, so let’s not let a low-cut top and school-girl crush get in the way of their mission from God.
Dear Annabelle: My roommate has sex while I am in the room on the top bunk. What should I do about this?
Sincerely, Befuddled on the Bottom Bunk.
Dear Befuddled Bottom,
Your roommate appears to have been raised in the zoo, the only institution on earth where it is acceptable to copulate in the presence of others. Please inform your roommate (at a time when he is fully clothed) that he should seek his satisfaction in other locales; the young lady’s abode perhaps, or if there is no suitable location, to please delay the call of the wild.
Dear Annabelle: Is it true that boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses?
Sincerely, Spec-tacular on S Street
Dear Specs,
Lies and falsehoods. This witticism has been used by mothers for years in order to save money on not having to purchase fashionable frames for their sight-impaired daughters, and it must stop. Glasses are not only cute (and necessary), but also sexy. Without a good pair of frames, how could one coyly bite the edge of one’s bifocals and send come-hither looks to the young man across the lecture hall or have them fog up when the advance is reciprocated? Tina Fey stands at the forefront of spectacle sexiness, proving that boys will not only make passes at you (she is married) but, if they don’t like you, you can grow up and make jokes about them on national television for copious amounts of money. Any way you look at it, glasses win.
Dear Annabelle:
The other day I was standing in Red Square talking to my professor when I received a phone call from my roommate, an e-mail on my Blackberry from my employer on the Hill and made significant eye contact with a hookup from last weekend. The next time this situation arises, how should I handle this convergence of my various activities?
Sincerely, Busy Bee in Burleith
Dear Busy,
Your life is in need of some serious streamlining, so I suggest you combine some of these activities: For starters, begin hooking up with your professor. If you need to talk about class, make it pillow talk and avoid the nasty gridlock of office hours. Second, let’s be serious, your job on the Hill is really not all that important: you make coffee and collate, (unless everyone else forgot how to do that) so, I think its OK to ignore that e-mail. As far as the roommate goes, hit ignore and keep schmoozing with teacher dearest. Odds are she’s just calling to complain about her boyfriend again.
Dear Annabelle:
How long should one wait in front of Leo’s before they know they have been stood up for their lunch date?
Sincerely, Loitering at Leo’s
Dear Loitering,
I come from the “you gotta eat” school of thought. And when you gotta eat, you gotta eat NOW. Lateness to lunch is the height of rudeness, especially for college students who have spent their whole morning in class dreaming of large bowls of fro-yo. Twiddling one’s thumbs outside the dining hall when you would rather be indoors eating the breaded and seasoned fingers of chickens does not make for happy campers. My limit is five minutes, tops. After that, they’re on their own, so grab a copy of The Voice (yes, I believe in shameless self-promotion), and stress-eat your way through the loneliness.
Dear Annabelle:
I am a senior English major. What am I supposed to do now?
Sincerely, Directionless in the District
Dear Directionless,
Welcome to the real world, Shakespeare. There are no close readings here, so remember that “dream deferred” you read about in Langston Hughes and apply to law school. Yes, we know you have “standards” and that whole thing about “selling out,” but 10 years down the road, wouldn’t you rather be defending someone for possession than be the loser who was caught smoking a dime bag at the local library while reading your favorite Kerouac novel? But hey, dream big, maybe some day you’ll get an advice column of your own.
