Dear Annabelle: Is it rude to write on bathroom stalls?
Sincerely, Wondering in the water-closet of White Gravenor
Dear Wondering,
Generally, defacing property of any kind is frowned upon (unless you attend Ohio State on the day of a win) but since you are paying $50,000 a year to use that precious toilet, I think some exceptions may be made. As long as your graffiti is helpful and provides a service to the greater community—“so-and-so has Chlamydia” for example ,or “so-and-so gives great…”—then feel free to scribble away and make everyone’s bathroom break worthwhile.
Dear Annabelle: Is it true that you can never be too rich or too thin?
Sincerely, Middle-Weight and Middle-Class in McCarthy
Dear Middle,
The conventional wisdom in some circles is that the bonier the booty, the better. Such circles tend to produce event planners and writers for Vogue. But at some point, one must think logistics. It’s a tight squeeze to fit wadfuls of cash into the child-size Sevens those ladies must wear, and at some point, their breakfasts of Evian, Marlboros and cocaine must get tiresome. But one should not get discouraged even if she is not the wealthiest or thinnest of the bunch; a voluptuous body is timeless, and everyone appreciates a cheap date once in a while.
Dear Annabelle: I’m an open-minded guy and I always thought that women wanted to be treated equally, so shouldn’t we split the check?
Sincerely, Cheap in Copley Suites
Dear Cheap,
By all means, go ahead, as long as you are willing to accept a nice firm handshake as the end to your night. Now, don’t misunderstand me: I am not saying that your lady will, as they say so crudely, “put out” if you pay for her meal, but there are certain rules of etiquette that have been lost on the current generation of suitors. If it is a first date, the young man should pay, unless his companion vehemently insists upon equity. On subsequent dates, feel her out (no, not that way) and see if she’s the kind gal who is up for pitching in. Gentlemen should keep in mind, however, that a certain amount of moolah is required to put together effortlessly chic date ensembles. Those of the masculine persuasion may apply copious amounts of Axe, throw on a polo their mother bought them in 9th grade and be ready to go, whereas ladies are expected to look like Jackie O every Friday night. The least you could do is buy her a burger.
Dear Annabelle:
I’ve been spending a lot of time on the Lower Level of the library and I think I’m getting a little squirrelly. Any suggestions for what I should do?
Sincerely, Livin’ La Vida Lauinger
Dear La Vida,
Drastic times call for drastic measures, and you have reached such a point in your young life. Grab a flask, fill it up and start drinking heavily. This should really mix things up down on the LL, and if you are feeling particularly bold, offer some Jesus juice to that med student in the cubicle next to you. The booze may even improve your studies; after all, it worked for Hemingway, Poe, Fitzgerald, Parker and Faulkner. There’s no arguing with greatness.
Dear Annabelle:
What should I get my mother for Christmas?
Sincerely, Confounded in Kennedy
Dear Confounded,
In the deepest chambers of her secret heart, all your mother wants for Christmas is cold hard cash. Let’s face it, no matter how many pairs of cashmere socks or suede driving gloves you get her, nothing will ever make up for the nine months you spent inside her, stirring up her hormones and giving her stretch marks that still haven’t disappeared. But those greenbacks will come pretty close to making the whole thing worth-while. Rather than having to wear that ugly scarf you knitted or pretending that she appreciates receiving kitchen appliances, your mother will be able to splurge on whatever her heart desires. She can go shopping, pamper herself at a salon or choose to deposit the money into the secret account she keeps just in case she finally decides to leave your father and marry her dentist. In any case, its all about making mom happy and no one knows how to satisfy her better than Mr. Ben Franklin.
