I hate lines, but during exams, nothing makes me happier than waiting 20 minutes for a chai at Midnight MUG. When my heart begins to race and the thought of another Berry Blast muffin becomes too much, I move on from coffee to facebook.com. There is a reason why 32 of my friends have recently updated their profile photos, according to my facebook.com stalker-feed: we will do anything to avoid starting those papers or actually studying.
My latest form of procrastination is a blend of the aforementioned classic foot- dragging techniques. The bizarre world of weird food web sites combines all the best ways of avoiding work into one simple, yet shockingly time-consuming method. The sites range from interestingly surprising to absurd, and these are a few of my favorites.
Hufu: Hufu, “the healthy human flesh alternative,” is a soy- based meat product designed to taste like people. According to Mark Nuckold, the founder and CEO of Hufu, LLC, human flesh does not in fact taste like chicken, but is rather a sweeter, softer version of beef. I suspect the product did not sell well, because the company’s official web site closed last summer. However, simply googling “hufu” will return a plethora of sites, from an informative Wikipedia article to a recipe site with photos.
Veggie Porn (www.VegetablePorn.com): That’s right. When you find that that girl in the cubicle behind you keeps giving you “American Bi” dirty looks, save the link to your desktop and wait till you get to your dorm room. You’ll find a series of vegetables, from to squashes to corn, resembling numerous body parts and shaped together in naughty salads in a range of positions that rival the Kama Sutra. If anyone asks, you’re doing research for that botany elective you’re taking.
Crying while eating (www.cryingwhileeating.com) This is just what it sounds like, videos of crying while eating. Next to the video links, the cryers’ names, what they are eating, and why they are crying is listed. In one video, a man softly blubbers while eating fresh mozzarella as his children repeat, “dad” over and over again. His reason for crying? “Parenthood is like being pecked to death by small chickens.” Marissa begins to bawl when she cannot open the fridge and settles for the condiments in her hands, squeezing honey into her mouth between swigs of balsamic vinegar. She apparently gives up too easily. DJ eats spam straight from the can, chewing and then spraying canned ham onto his lap as he sobs violently over the fact that his poor chain letter etiquette has induced bad luck. There are hundreds of these videos, some subtle, others slapstick. All, I guarantee, are far more fun than studying for that exam.
