According to conventional wisdom, every girl says she wants a sensitive, smart, funny, sexy guy to call her own, but deep down what every girl really wants is a string of illicit affairs with raunchy, sweaty, wildly successful rock musicians.
Now, there are rock ‘n’ roll girlfriends, and there are rock ‘n’ roll girlfriends. Sorry, Rolling Stones groupie #456, but it’s not much of an accomplishment to get with a rocker—especially Keith Richards, monument to sexual deviance that he is—just once, especially in the 1960s and ‘70s, when the field included the likes of Patti Boyd.
Patti was perhaps the most vanilla girl to capture the hearts of so many men who captured the hearts of so many girls. (Try saying that fast three times). With her blonde hair styled in a then-cliché beehive or flip, and sporting an unoriginally skinny physique, Patti wasn’t a uniquely beautiful girl. Hell, she even had buckteeth.
But boy, were there some unique pheromones emanating from that beehive. Patti stole the hearts of Eric Clapton, George Harrison, John Lennon, and Rolling Stones’ Ron Wood and Mick Jagger, and she even managed to marry the first two. But there’s more.
Not content with crushing the dreams of thousands of women, Patti served as the inspiration for Clapton’s debut album with Derek and the Dominoes, Layla and Other Assorted Love Songs, as well as his “Wonderful Tonight” and Harrison’s “Something.”
But what Patti took away from the rest of her sex she gave back in the form of a roller-coaster rock ‘n’ roll drama. She stole Harrison’s heart while an extra in the film A Hard Day’s Night. The two married in 1965, but their romance went south in 1973 when Harrison became increasingly enamored with Indian mysticism and ceased to be the most faithful of husbands. Meanwhile, Clapton, one of Harrison’s closest friends, was busy falling in love with Patti.
When Patti refused Clapton’s advances, Clapton descended into a three-year haze of heroin and alcohol addiction. So, naturally, Patti decided to marry him in 1979. Alas, their marriage crashed and burned in 1988, due to a sea of affairs and substance abuse on both sides.
Patti hasn’t married since, and while her fate is undoubtedly vindicating for countless women, it points to a sobering reality: maybe there’s a reason 99 percent of rock songs are about love—rockers have no clue how to deal with it, and can inflict some pretty deep wounds as a result. I guess the nomadic lifestyle and easy access to even easier women doesn’t exactly produce your run-of-the-mill Mr. Right.
So, aspiring rock ‘n’ roll girlfriends, look elsewhere for love. If a rocker comes begging for some of your sweet nectar, implore him to get off of your cloud.
Learn about Chelsea’s experience as #457 at cpaige@staff.georgetownvoice.com.
