There’s something special about the Oscars. Maybe it’s the glamorous red carpet entrances, where the freshly Botoxed faces mumble on about their bewilderment (and our bewilderment) at being invited to the Academy Awards without having appeared in any of the nominated films. Maybe it’s the gathering of unnatural-looking old men who have several lifetimes’ worth of accomplishments packed under their belts. Maybe it’s the celebration of cinema, both old and new. But most of all, the real meaning of the Oscars is berating the Academy for consistently handing those little golden men to undeserving candidates.
The Academy Awards have been littered with erroneous victories and unjustified losses. Citizen Kane lost Best Picture to How Green Was My Valley, a movie that might not even have a Wikipedia entry. Rocky took home Best Picture over Taxi Driver, All the President’s Men, and Network. Having wasted more hours than I’d like to admit digging up these past Oscar upsets, I have developed a keen sense of which nominees will win this year. It’s really a simple process: I pick out the legitimate winners, then choose their polar opposites. So with this deftness for Oscar predictions in mind, bear with me as I guide you through what will happen on the night of February 26.
Let’s start with the big one: Best Picture. The Artist has already garnered this honor in several of this season’s award shows, and no formidable opponents in this category have stepped up to the plate. Why people call a movie that is no more than an imitation of every silent film imaginative or creative is a mystery, but when it comes to Oscar campaigning, the Weinstein brothers (the film’s distributors) are artists in their own right. Best Director and Best Picture have a tendency to go to the same film, but The Artist’s Michel Hazanavicius’ status as a newcomer may move the Best Director award into the hands of a veteran like Martin Scorsese or Terrence Malick. That said, Hazanavicius is riding on an awards season current that reeks of an upset, and as the past two years have seen this award go to nobodies like Kathryn Bigelow and Tom Hooper, he seems like the guy to beat.
Moving into the acting categories, the choices become a bit more difficult. George Clooney has received steady praise for his role in The Descendants, and Brad Pitt and Gary Oldman are still in contention. Still, even up against distinguished actors, I won’t be shocked if the Academy chooses Jean Dujardin, the lead actor in The Artist. Actually, since he is the choice that would most piss me off, my gut tells me to bet on him.
Saying Meryl Streep deserves Best Actress is no longer a matter of opinion; it’s a fact. But since the establishment of this fact, the Academy no longer deems it necessary to give her the award, so Viola Davis of The Help better have her acceptance speech ready. To round off this shot-calling, I have Christopher Plummer of Beginners winning Best Supporting Actor, and Melissa McCarthy of Bridesmaids winning for Best Supporting Actress. Of course, I hope neither of them actually does.
I’m not happy about my grumpy pessimism towards the Oscars, but in a way, I feel like I’m standing up for the integrity of cinema as it takes a beating from the politicized Academy members. What tugs at my soul is the sight of a deserving recipient sitting in his chair, applauding a fellow nominee’s inferior yet prize-winning performance. So please, Academy, don’t give Melissa McCarthy Best Supporting Actress for a performance that included her literally shitting in a sink. You’ll break my heart, and shortly after, I’ll break my TV.
