Hey you there, reading the newspaper! I’m in a bit of a tight and sharp situation. I’m down here in the grips of this freaking great white shark. Why is this happening to me? Aren’t the odds of getting eaten by a shark one in a million? I mean, yes, but I’m a seal. Sharks eat seals all the time, but I always thought it would be another seal. Now I’m about to become a simple statistic. This shark won’t even remember me in a day.
So just how did I get into the Jaws of Death here? I was always a good seal, obedient to my family. I even had a couple young pups of my own that I was just teaching to swim. And so this morning I leave the old cove to go find lunch for the family and am having a pretty successful run when I notice I’m being followed.
Now we’ve all seen shark movies before, but in real life, they don’t play the Jaws theme when a shark starts following you. You just turn around and BOOM. Shark. So I start freaking out, zig-zagging, reversing direction, trying to look like a surfer. But the bastard keeps on my tail. And so I start swimming towards the surface. And just as I’m about to reach fresh air I feel Sharky getting close to me and next thing I know I’m airborne…in the mouth of the shark as he’s jumping through the air. At least it’s going to be a glorious way to go. I mean, what a show. I’d never felt anything like it before. The adrenaline, the rush of blood to my head. And getting tossed through the air like a beanbag. It was a hell of a jump. I’m actually impressed more than anything. I mean, how the hell does he jump fully out of the water? He’s, like, 20 feet long!
But right now my life is flashing before me, and it turns out, it was kind of repetitive. Find food, sleep, find more food. I never even got to learn any cool tricks like balancing a beach ball on my nose. But in an instant my entire life is shown before me. At first I denied that this would be happening to me. Why me? Why now? Then I get angry at this son of a bitch for eating me. Screw you, shark! Then I thought, maybe I can reason with the guy. Excuse me, Mr. Shark, I believe you have mistaken me for your meal. And then I come to the sad realization that this would be it. I mean, sharks can’t understand me. They’re too dumb to even bother reasoning with. And now I’ve come to accept that at least it will all be over soon. Probably one quick “chomp” and I’ll be up in the big blue beyond. I mean, this guy has 20,000 teeth. There’s no way it’ll take more than a second. It’s like Madame Guillotine, but in the ocean and violently thrashing through the water at 30 miles per hour.
Now I’ve got a good view down this guy’s throat. Is that a tire down there? Man, why are people still polluting? I’ll have to spend eternity sharing the bowels with a bunch of trash. God, he eats a lot of disgusting stuff. And about a million plankton. They’re kind of just hanging out down there actually. Swallowed whole. Lucky buggers.
Uh-oh, looks like the jaws are getting a bit tighter. I haven’t much time. Wait, I see some people off in a boat. They’ve got a camera! They’re sure to tell my story and make sure this never happens to a seal again! Maybe our days of oppression at the fins of the great white shark will finally be over when this goes viral. Who couldn’t sympathize with a poor, little seal? Surely such gruesome violence wouldn’t excite people. If anything I’m sure they’ll have a National Seal Week to help preserve such a graceful and playful creature. Well, here it is. I’m all the way down the hatchet. I’m afraid I’ve got to say farewell.
