Piranha 3DD sinks water-animal horror movies to a new low. And I’m not talking about Marianas Trench low. This movie just bites.
What happened to class in our little pond of a genre? My movie was directed by Steven Spielberg, for Christ’s sake. This piece of fish shit was directed by John Gulager of Feast, Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds, and Feast 3: The Happy Finish. To be honest, though, those movies sound awesome.
However, while I scared a town to death and made them bring in Richard Dreyfuss and a bigger boat, Piranha 3DD brings in a lazy David Hasselhoff and some bigger boobs.
The movie takes place at a newly open and hopping water park. The owner has brought in topless stripper lifeguards. From that point on, how am I supposed to take anything seriously? I mean, we all knew this was coming just from the title. But just imagine if my first movie was basically a porno. Spielberg’s career would have really gone far from there. I mean, E.T. definitely could use more sex. And Jurassic Park is missing out on some really great opportunities involving the KFC guy.
But Piranha 3DD also includes Christopher Lloyd playing a crazy scientist talking about how piranhas have turned into killers that somehow navigate the plumbing system. And they’re heading straight for Big Wet Water Park. If you’ve ever been thoroughly disgusted by the urine-filled pools at water parks, this movie is for you. Because instead of the magic dye from Adam Sandler’s Grown Up, you just get a pack of piranhas to chew up your genitals. And this movie features a lot of private parts getting chewed up.
But I have to say, I never would have made Jaws 3D if I knew it would lead to this. I should have nixed the idea right away instead of selling out to make a few extra bucks on a cheap gimmick. Instead, I started a horrible trend where this movie is the sequel to a 3D movie that was a remake of a 3D movie. Great Neptune! When does it all end?
Well, thankfully, not before the crippled sheriff attaches an AK-47 as a prosthetic and begins to take out piranhas left and right. I’m just glad I never had to face him.
But I have to go after these piranhas for their terrible acting. Why would they go to a water park in the first place? It’s an enclosed space—stay in the open water, you dummies. They clearly didn’t have to go to class to join their school of fish. It’s all about the Deep Blue Sea. That alone adds horror, since no one can hear you scream when you’re ten miles out in the open water. But I guess they want all the glitz and the glamor for their gills, and they want to chill with the Hoff.
Also, couldn’t this movie take place in Brazil like the first? There are some great resorts down there, and it would keep the original Amazon location for the fish. Hell, even Anaconda had the integrity to be based in South America so Owen Wilson could be swallowed whole and Ice Cube could kick some snake butt…or tail. I guess Great Whites don’t show up off the East Coast too often, but it’s not too far of a swim.
But maybe I’m just not cool anymore, now that I’m 37 years old. Actually, I’ve been dead for 37 years. I was blown up in the original movie, right? Why were there three more movies? I’ve got no right to really be biting into this movie after selling out like that. But I could seriously eat their entire pack whole.
I’m just grateful that I’ve been able to rest in Davy Jones’s locker since 1987. Piranha 3DD is the worst kind of fish-ploitation possible. But while this film has no shortage of attacks, boobs, and B-movie stars, it doesn’t contain a John Williams soundtrack, so suck it! Hell, even Tintin got one of those. I’m the original bad-finned shark of the whole damn ocean, so these puny punks can have their water park and beautiful big-breasted Hasselhoffs.
And at least I never got my head bitten off by Gary fucking Busey.
