Literally drowning one’s sorrows, Mayan apocalypse style

In 17 days, the Earth as we know it will no longer exist. Following the Mayans prediction, we will all perish on Dec. 21, 2012. Those that are unfortunate enough to be some of the last to die will watch everything that mankind has built crumble in front of them.

Signs of the coming apocalypse have been there for the past two years. The massive bird deaths in Arkansas in 2011, the creepy animated baby in the newest installment of The Twilight Saga, and Gangnam Style taking the coveted most-watched YouTube video from its rightful owner Justin Bieber all clearly indicate that the end is nigh.

This year may have also seen a number of wonderful events, such as the Elizabeth Taylor biopic starring Lindsay Lohan, but all have done little more than draw our attention away from our preparations for the sizzling Hellfire coming our way.

Many doomsday soothsayers assume the world’s population will perish quickly and in unison. This lack of foresight demonstrates that few have actually contemplated the number of strange ways thousands of people can and will die. Therefore, it is this author’s duty to morbidly reflect on these ways so as to ensure that the general public can go to their gruesome deaths with peace of mind.

One of the most likely causes of death will be drowning, due to massive floods or tsunamis. However, there are other substances besides water that could send many to their watery grave. The Brazil, Russia, China, the U.S., and Germany are the top-five beer producing nations in the world. For beer virgins, beer that is being brewed is contained in giant metal vats, thereby posing a huge hazard during doomsday. When the acid rain begins falling, the rain will corrode through the roofs of the breweries, as well as the vats full of beer. All those in the immediate vicinity will drown in pints of ale, officially solidifying the frattiest possible way to die.

Another huge killer during the final hours will be falling debris, particularly for those who live in areas prone to avalanches, mudslides, volcanoes, earthquakes, tornadoes, and hurricanes–read everyone. However, even those lucky few who are insulated from the ravages of Mother Earth will find themselves pinned down by shattered glass and the things behind it. When the apocalypse begins, a sound will resonate around the world so high-pitched that all glass will shatter, killing millions. Those in the Western Hemisphere who survive will find themselves cornered by Christmas decorations for a holiday they will never celebrate. Giant orbs and unmanned sleighs will come crashing out of their placements in store window displays, squashing all those in their paths. Clearly, it will be Santa’s last revenge against the naughty.

If by some stroke of random luck the apocalypse does not arrive on Dec. 21, we can still be assured this next way to die will befall us. When I was a child, we used to laugh at how everything in our house said “Made in China,” as though Americans were incapable of making anything themselves. During the apocalypse, this mass consumerism will all come back to haunt us. Within all “Made in China” goods are toxic levels of noxious gas. They are currently contained by the relative stability of the temperatures where they’re located. However, when doomsday arrives and temperatures start changing drastically due to the eruption of a number of volcanoes, sudden hurricanes, and the breakdown of all air conditioning units due to acid rain, this will be an issue. All “Made in China” goods will begin spewing poisonous gas, killing all those nearby. It’s already too late to buy into the local craze: you will die.

Approximately 13 hours, 12 minutes, and 16 seconds after the doomsday show has started, the final dance will begin. Millions of corpses will reanimate, filling a once human world with zombies. Your once amicable friends and neighbors will turn out to be menacing creatures whose sole purpose is to munch on the living and add them to their ranks. This is when the real hunger games begin. At this point survivors, who weirdly have not accepted that they will die on this gruesome day, should just give up. Metal has corroded, preventing them from stabbing the zombies’ brain stems, and the atmosphere full of radiation, ash, and death is weighing heavy. At this point, it is time for those left to simply accept their fate.

Evidently, not everyone will be lucky enough to die a traditional doomsday death. It is important that we all realize this and accept it, which as we all know is the last of the five stages of grief. The time for mourning is now folks. Then we can all have the calmest doomsday ever, showing all the apocalyptors just how developed humans are.