Sports

The Top 25 according to Will Ferrell

November 7, 2013


1. KENTUCKY

“I hope you’ve brought your silver polish, MacElroy, ’cause that was gold.” –Blades of Glory

With arguably the greatest recruiting class of all time, John Calipari and the Wildcats could leave everyone else competing for silver.

2. MICHIGAN STATE

“Are you a big man?  Huh, I’m talkin’ to you. … Do you wake up in the morning and say, ‘I’m putting on my big boy pants.  Look, I’m wearing a belt, I got big boy pants on.” –The Other Guys

If Keith Appling can consistently perform as the player that we have only seen in flashes over the past few seasons, Michigan State looks to be playing deep into March.

3. LOUISVILLE

“And guess what, you wandered into our school of tuna and we now have a taste of lion. We’ve talked to ourselves. We’ve communicated and said, ‘you know what? lion tastes good. Lets go get some more lion’.” –The Other Guys

After their national title victory over Michigan last year, Rick Pitino’s Cardinals will look to repeat as champions this year.

4. DUKE

“Here’s the deal: I’m the best there is.  Plain and simple.  I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.” -Talladega Nights

With coaching legend Mike Krzyzweski, Jabari Parker and the rest of the veteran-laden Blue Devils should contend once again for the title this March.

5. KANSAS

“He was like a god walking amongst mere mortals.”-Anchorman

As the clear favorite to be the No. 1 pick in the upcoming NBA draft, freshman sensation Andrew Wiggins should lead the Jayhawks to a Big-12 title and beyond.

6. ARIZONA

“I’m not gonna lie to you, Don. People down here are starting to murmur that you don’t have the balls to do it.” –The Other Guys

With all the talent the Wildcats have, it remains to be seen if they can finally break out in March.

7. MICHIGAN

“I’m expressing my inner anguish THROUGH THE MAJESTY OF SONG!”-Anchorman

Although the Wolverines made the Final Four last year, they will have to cope with the loss of team leaders Trey Burke and Tim Hardaway Jr. to the NBA.

8. OKLAHOMA STATE

“I was so drunk, I thought a tube of toothpaste was astronaut food.” –The Other Guys

Despite the return of future NBA star Marcus Smart, Oklahoma State will have to avoid a hangover from their disappointing early exit from the NCAA Tournament last year.

9. SYRACUSE

“There will be no refunds.  Your refund will be escaping this deathtrap with your life.”-Semi-Pro-

Playing in the Carrier Dome gives the Orange a huge homecourt advantage over their opponents.

10. FLORIDA

“I passed through the seven levels of the Candy Cane forest, through the sea of swirly twirly gum drops, and then I walked through the Lincoln Tunnel.” –Elf

The Gators will cruise through the weak SEC, but will they be ready for the challenges that await them in March?

11. OHIO STATE

“If we went to a Halloween party dressed as Batman and Robin, I’d go as Robin. That’s how much you mean to me.” –Blades of Glory

The Buckeyes follow the lead of their selfless point guard Aaron Craft, a defensive stopper and offensive distributor.

12. NORTH CAROLINA

“Took the restrictor plate off to give the Red Dragon a little more juice. But it’s not exactly street legal, so keep it on the down low.” –Old School

Once P.J. Hairston returns from his suspension, he and James Michael McAdoo should give UNC’s offense plenty of juice.

13. MEMPHIS

“I’m very important.  I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.”-Anchorman

Memphis has plenty of questions to answer as they try to convince others they are important enough to belong in the national spotlight.

14. VIRGINIA COMMONWEALTH

“Veronica and I trying this new fad called uh, jogging. I believe it’s jogging or yogging. It might be a soft ‘J’. I’m not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It’s supposed to be wild.”-Anchorman

VCU will not be able to surprise teams anymore, but Shaka Smart’s squad will still win with their stifling defense and superior conditioning.

15. GONZAGA

“How do you walk away in a movie without flinching when it explodes behind them? There’s no way!” –The Other Guys

Gonzaga imploded last year in the NCAA tournament, after earning a No. 1 seed. Will they will recover after losing All-American forward Kelly Olynyk?

16. WICHITA STATE

“Hey. They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was gonna go to the moon. Now he’s up there, laughing at them.” -Blades of Glory

The Shockers enjoyed some laughs at the expense of more traditional college basketball powers last year when they made a surprising Final Four run.

17. MARQUETTE

“No, you go to hell, and while you’re there, why don’t you grab me a juicebox!” -Kicking and Screaming

Favored to to win the Big East, fiery coach Buzz Williams and the Golden Eagles will try to build on last year’s success.

18. CONNECTICUT

“From everything I’ve heard, you guys are the best at these types of investigations… Outside of Enron… and AIG, and Bernie Madoff, WorldCom, Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers…” –The Other Guys

A year removed from their postseason ban, the Huskies will look to regain their footing on the national scene.

19. OREGON

“I look good.  I mean really good.  Hey everyone, come see how good I look!”-Anchorman

At this point, the Ducks have solely been defined by the ever-increasing absurdity of their uniforms.

20. WISCONSIN

“I was faking. I used ninja focus to slow my heart rate down.”-Step Brothers

Look for Bo Ryan’s team to set the record for most wins with 40 points or less scored.

21. NOTRE DAME

“They’re like 4-foot whirling dervishes. I don’t even know what a whirling dervish is but that’s what they’re like.”-Kicking & Screaming

A guard-heavy team, the Irish’s success will depend on whether or not their three pointers are falling.

22. UCLA

“Use small children as shields, bears like soft tender meat.”-Semi-Pro

The Bruins will prey on their weaker Pac-12 competition, but whether they’re up to the test against stronger competition remains a question.

23. NEW MEXICO

“What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole … wheel of cheese? How’d you do that? Heck, I’m not even mad. That’s amazing.” –Anchorman

A new fast-paced system under new coach Craig Neal will lead to more scoring but more mistakes for the Lobos.

24. VIRGINIA

“Is anyone asking how my hand feels after punching that iron-like jaw of that baby? I can barely make a fist!” –The Campaign

Due to their weak non-conference schedule, the Cavaliers will have to finish high in the ACC in order to be taken seriously.

25. BAYLOR

“It’s just a big hairy American winning machine.”-Talladega Nights

Big and athletic, Baylor should win a lot of games if their backcourt can provide solid support.

 


Kevin Huggard
Class of '17. Formerly EIC and writer/editor for mostly sports and opinions. Halftime forever. On twitter as @kevinhuggard.


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