Halftime Sports

Mickelsatire: Crowley Does the Masters

April 15, 2014

Area Golfers Head to Local Courses, Remember How Shitty They Are at Golf

BLACKSBURG, VIRGINIA – After four straight days of Masters binge-watching, throngs of area golfers hit the links this week, hoping to find their form despite having not played since this time last year.

“It’s the most entertaining few days of my year,” said Jim Franklin, owner of Acorn Groves Golf Course in Virginia. “You’re talking about a group of people who’ve actually convinced themselves they can hit the ball straight just because they watched Bubba Watson play for a few hours. It’s human irrationality at its finest.”

According to Franklin, business will triple in the coming two weeks, before dipping drastically as golfers remember just how little skill they actually have.

“It starts with a few driving range trips,” Franklin explained. “They will go poorly, I mean really poorly, but all it takes is one good drive for them to decide that they’re ‘ready’ to hit the course. At that point, I just double prices and enjoy the circus.”

For frequent players at Acorn Groves, however, the two weeks following the Masters are pleasurable in a different way. Frederick Thomason, a nine-year member of Acorn Groves, explained that he likes to use the fortnight as comic relief.

“It’s kind of like watching a child try to ride a bike for the first time,” said Thomason, a retired hedge fund manager. “Everything seems fine at first. They’re all set to start and boy do they look confident. But then they start moving and down they go. Just total and complete failure. You know it’s coming, but good God is it still hilarious.”

For the golfers hitting the course for the first time since last spring, such criticism is not appreciated. Jimmy Tuttle, a carpenter and self-proclaimed “big Phil Mickelson guy,” stressed that he’s had this weekend marked down to hit the links for months.

“It has nothing to do with the Masters, let me assure you of that,” Tuttle explained, “It’s a combination of the weather and…OK it has a little to do with the Masters. I mean, did you see that guy Spieth? Such gutsy play for a twenty-year old! I’m modeling my swing after him this year. I just have to work on making contact first, that’s what the golf pro said.”

At press time, a frustrated Tuttle was last seen walking off the course, citing a “definite calf strain” as the reason for his departure. Eyewitnesses had Tuttle at +25 after the front nine.

“Ah Jim, he’s a good guy,” commented Franklin. “I look forward to taking his money again next year.”

Photo: efabula.com

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