Halftime Sports

Casting Bond: Soccer Stars Edition

November 3, 2015

Photo Credits: Postproduktie user Paulblank

In anticipation of Spectre, the newest James Bond film, coming to theaters this Friday, this article will discuss something that I spend way too much time contemplating: which world soccer star would make a great James Bond? After all, it looks like Daniel Craig is not going to be playing the magnificent role any longer.  

Now, there are some aspects of the character of James Bond that are hard to recreate using just any old actor. One example of such is coordination. As my father pointed out to me recently, James Bond has to be extremely coordinated. In addition to shooting a gun, he has to drive motorcycles in the most precarious places imaginable, fight people in moving vehicles, and do parkour-like moves all over.

This level of coordination can be pulled off by some actors, but not all of them. My dad refuses to support Daniel Craig as James Bond because he obviously can’t throw. To quote my dad, Craig “isn’t coordinated enough to hit the broadside of a barn.” To be fair to Daniel Craig, he most certainly isn’t a world soccer player. I’m pretty sure that any of the players mentioned in this piece are coordinated enough to be an awesome James Bond.

As I consider the potential athletes who come to mind when I picture a James Bond, there are some players who seem the obvious choices.

For example, David Beckham at first glance seems to have all of the necessary requirements. The charming British accent, the independant childhood, and the sassy nature all would add to Beckham’s portrayal of Bond. However, there are some aspects of the soccer player that would not work as Bond. For example, David Beckham is much too noticeable with his tattoos. He would definitely need a fantastic make-up team if he wants to fly under the radar. Also, he’s a family man now. His kids would be way too much of a risk for a Bond. Finally, Beckham is a bit reckless. He has made some questionable decisions that have me wondering if he’d be cool headed enough to be James Bond. You know he meant to do that.

Pros: British, icy eyes, tough and sassy exterior

Cons: the tattoos, family man, decision making

Another person who is similar to Beckham as a choice for Bond is Steven Gerrard. Also a Brit, Stevie G has the accent and the charm, but a different air. Also, with a bar brawl under his belt, he’s not afraid to get his hands dirty.  Gerrard would make a good 007 agent because of these things, and also because Daniel Craig himself said that Gerrard would fit the bill! Craig, a liverpool fan himself, thinks that the Gerrard has the leadership abilities to take on Bond villains. What better recommendation could there be?

Pros: leadership, British, cool-headed

Cons: family man, too nice-seeming, propensity for slipping up.

Going in a completely different direction, Mario Balotelli is the next potential Bond on the list. It is true that on a scale of recklessness, he would top the list, but sometimes James Bond is pretty darn reckless. Balotelli has a Bond-worthy poker face, and is a very individual character. The question is, do these pros outweigh the cons?

Pros: poker face, lone wolf

Cons: very reckless, a bit lazy, prone to making bad decisions.

Another Italian on this list is Andrea Pirlo. Pirlo is the epitome of class in the soccer world, and has the calm demeanor that would be very fitting for Bond. His silky touch is something that everyone can enjoy, and he is definitely an individual who can, at the same time, be a team player. Also, I can totally see him driving an Aston Martin at breakneck speed down an Italian country road. The only thing that I can picture being a problem for Pirlo as Bond is that he’s just too nice.

Pros: silky touch, classy, feels no pressure.

Cons: too classy

Manuel Neuer could also fit the bill for the special agent. Composed, coordinated, and safe on the ball, Neuer could be just reckless enough to save the day without crossing the line. He is also someone who I could see landing safely in a field after flinging himself out of an airplane while being shot at. But sometimes his bad decisions come back to kick him in the butt.  

Pros: composed, good at stopping things

Cons: a bit reckless, thinks he can do everything

Bonus: James Bond Villains

We all know that there could be very few people who could top Cristoph Waltz as an awesome James Bond villain, but here are some who might give it a good shot:

Jose Mourinho: Does this have to be explained? Mourinho is someone who I can imagine plotting destruction to about anything. His resting bitch face must be hiding something. Someone has to stop him.

Andres Iniesta: A weird choice, I know. He seems a nice guy. But he reminds me a lot of Dr. Evil from Austin Powers.

Cristiano Ronaldo: How many villains have we seen whose sole purpose is to be the most powerful and the best? Ronaldo sure would have a lot of people behind him on his quest for glory, but it would probably fall short due to obsession with self.

Read More

Notify of

Inline Feedbacks
View all comments