It’s a weird time. With COVID-19 ripping Georgetown students unceremoniously from the Hilltop, I’ve spent much of the past few days reminiscing on my favorite parts of my freshman year—from adventures off-campus to simple contented coexistence with my friends. A frequent event that stood out was that of the late-night Vittles run. There’s nothing like walking down those fluorescent aisles, perusing the gloriously under-stocked shelves, trying to guess the price of unmarked soup. But not all memories of Vittles were so fond. In fact, a glaring, Corp-sponsored injustice was recently brought to my attention. Hopefully, in this time away, they will be able to reconsider what I view as a major fault of judgment.
It is inarguable that all drinks, and juice, in particular, taste best if the vessel they are carried in is a nice, personal-sized box. Or better yet—sack. Not many people know this, but this fact is actually stated in Newton’s fourth law of motion. It goes: inertia, f=ma, reactionary force, slurp. Of all of the slurpable beverages, Capri Sun is the clear frontrunner (if you disagree, please express your opinion in the comments, I am happy to discuss. But also know that you are wrong). Juice boxes are too childish, Honest Kids too well-meaning. Capri Sun was for the cool kids, and as such should be present in all student-run grocery establishments, lest they want to look like dweebs. It was to my horror, then, that I discovered that my favorite such establishment was disgustingly sackless. Worse still, I have been informed by Voice Editor-In-Chief Noah Telerski that Vittles stocked boxes of Capri Sun when he was a freshman. Baffled, I have to ask myself why the decision to kick Capri Sun to the curb was made. Do my peers and I not deserve to enjoy the decadence of drinking sugary water from a plastic sack? This is not justice. This directly opposes the inalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Dare I say, this is the cardinal sin of Disrespecting the Pouch.
Now this lack of sack may not impact the larger student population, but it has impacted me and so, therefore, I will air my grievance. Though I am not proud to admit it, I have bought a six dollar Lunchables from Vittles just for the Capri Sun. This is desperation and it tastes like stale Ritz crackers. I am begging you, Vittles. If not for the crowds that would doubtless stand in protest outside your doors if only they knew what was being withheld from them, then do it for me. Bring back the sack. I wish to taste the Roaring Waters once more.