Halftime Leisure

The Weekly List: Ranking beers by pee taste

April 4, 2022

Design by Olivia Stevens

So you’ve decided to become a cool beer girl (gender inclusive)? 

As a self-certified CBG, I’m here to let you in on the secret almost no regular beer drinker will tell you: 

Some beer tastes like piss. 

To be clear, the implicit claim in this statement, that I know what pee tastes like, is one rooted not in experience but in intuition. If you’re going to pretend you don’t even have a concept of pee-taste, maybe the rough rugged beer life isn’t for you. 

But actually, piss isn’t the most important word in that sentence. It’s some. The pee taste isn’t an inherent eventuality of beer-loving life. Once you venture out from the Natty-filled college scene and into the wondrous world of basic beer gardens and overwhelming on-taps, the possibilities for pee-free beer are endless. 

(Ranked from most pee to least.) 

1. Natural Light – If you think this beer isn’t at least half pee please let me help you. It’s fished right from the toilet, and that’s where you’ll be too. 

2. Leinenkugel’s – 10/10 pee. Unfortunately also similar in color. Slightly concerned. Left the establishment immediately. 

3. Heineken – Yup, that’s piss. 

4. Bud light and Budweiser – I refuse to believe these are different. One reason? Equally strong urinary recollection. 

5. Coors Light – Like, it’s fine. The standard white man of beer. It’ll do, I guess. 

6. Corona – I suppose a classic is a classic for a reason, but in this case, that classic is just keeping the piss alive. 

7. Coronita – Above, but technically smaller, so technically less pee. 

8. Stella Artois – ⅕ pee. 10/10 good fun. Unfortunately often the best thing on tap. Trust me, the other options are worse. 

9. Shiner Bock – Ah, my quarantine beer. Minimal pee but mainly because it tastes like water, pairs well with Zoom calls. 

10. Busch – I’ve actually never had this one, but the name reminds me of Bush, George. And do you know what he reminds me of? 

11. Right Proper Pale Ale – About the amount of pee expected when you pay three dollars for a beer in D.C. 

12. Blue Moon Belgian White – Don’t know what makes it Belgian or white, which is a nice mystery during your night out. Too sweet to be pee (I hope). 

13. Tombs Ale – I mean, it’s from Tombs. But less urinary than a Coors for sure. 

14. Crabbie’s Ginger Ale – It might taste like pee. Really can’t say. The ginger numbs your mouth one sip in. 

15. Accumulation Winter Hazy IPA – Long time no pee! She’s a winter beer and a strong one at that. Makes you feel a bit like the abominable snowman. 

16. Sam Adams Pumpkin Beer – As you can see, all the seasonal beers sit right in the middle. No pee, but you do feel like a basic ass bitch. And that might be worse. 

17. Abita Strawberry Lager – Does not taste like pee but also does not taste like strawberry.

18. Puerto Rican Medalla – Wow can you tell she’s been on spring break! No pee taste. Delicious, refreshing, grainy, unfiltered. Technical words courtesy of actual expert beer drinkers.

19. Raspberry Ale – I mean this one is a bit of a cop-out. Of course, it doesn’t taste like pee, it barely tastes like beer. 

20. Bramble Berry Sour Ale – Actual negative pee taste. You’ll forget you ever urinated. Maybe you’re just drunk.

Annemarie Cuccia
Annemarie is an avid Voice reader and former editor-in-chief. She hopes she left the magazine better than she found it.

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