They say revenge is sweet. But I have always held a certain penchant for sourness.
As we approach the most banal day of the year this coming Saturday, I implore you to get ready to celebrate by reflecting on all your former romantic partners who have wronged you. Whether that’s a week-long situationship or a partner of five years, the goal remains the same: make sure that sorry little scoundrel rue the day they crossed you. These motivations, combined with the auspicious powers awakened on Friday the 13th, can conjure a particularly exciting Valentine’s Day for your intended target, if carried out carefully.
Although the origins of the unluckiness surrounding today are unknown, one proposed explanation has attributed the misfortunes of the 13th to Judas, the 13th guest at the Last Supper. Drawing on one of history’s most famous jealous exes (sorry not sorry Mary Magdalene), today is a day to channel that inner Judas to establish your vendetta on your past love.
From the generosity of my (slightly twisted) heart, I have taken this careful planning for today into my own hands. Keep reading to browse your options to torment surprise your dearly departed.
Send a (fake) pregnancy test.
Taken from Ms. Kelly Rajnigandha Kapoor’s playbook of manipulation, faking a pregnancy is a surefire way to get your certain someone back in your life (or at least on child support). Put those evil chatbots to an equally nefarious use, as they were intended to be used, to craft your special surprise. Extra points for dramatic effect if this is delivered in the physical form, either from a sonogram or a test. Then, let the chaos come—something your ex-partner could never make you do.
(Accidentally) send them an edit of the two of you.
The exact specifications for this gift can be left to your own creative liberties, but regardless of your approach, it will leave them thinking about you. Assemble all the best and worst footage from your times together, feed it into CapCut (or commission an editor if you’re feeling particularly motivated), and press send. When you receive the expected “What the hell” from this special someone, simply reply with: “Sorry wrong person.” And voila! The resulting damage to their psyche can be feasted upon for months.
Flirt with their best friend.
Like a good red lip, some things never go out of style. This seemingly basic tactic has an especially sophisticated aftertaste, as you get to personally enjoy the fruits of your labor. Although the resulting crashout from your intended target might not be witnessed firsthand, at least you’ll be able to have your other, more carnal needs met. I personally recommend this option with a side of bisexual villainy—go for their friend of another gender!
Wait.
There is no better revenge than time. While you play the long game, your old flame remains on a constant edge, waiting for the last shoe to drop. Allow them to teeter for days, months, or even years later, until you have self-actualized into the finest version of yourself possible. Now, this option also requires the most dedication. So, instead of gathering curses this Friday, direct your energy elsewhere to build this future you. Build the fattest glutes they will never get to hold, stack that LinkedIn higher than their IQ, and grow the love within yourself that was never enough to solve their mommy issues. Of course, this holier-than-thou-high-road possibility is not pleasing to all, to whom I impart this wisdom: accumulate an expansive roster as you embark on this journey. After all, your path is not going to be linear.
With all of these choices to consider, I am sure you have a lot to think about. Of course, I welcome all forms of torture, not just the ones listed above, but the underlying goal remains the same—that is, to make sure your ex, try as they might, cannot forget you.
On a day that can isolate many, or even send some into tearful fits, it is necessary to turn towards a proper distraction to ease the stress. Laughter, I have found, is the best medicine for a heartbreak. If that laughter comes at the expense of another, c’est la vie. Everyone deserves a good break from that dreariness. And with that, I wish you a very happy Valentine’s Day, and an even happier Friday the 13th.
