Keaton Hoffman
Former Editor-in-Chief of the Voice and "Paper View" Columnist
Child stars: All work and no pay
If you’re eager to watch scantily clad children spreading their legs for the cameras, you’re either a pedophile or a fan of Lifetime’s hit show Dance Moms. Centered on Abby Lee Dance Studio in Pittsburgh, the show follows a group of fanatic moms, their dancing daughters, and head choreographer and coach extraordinaire Abby Lee Miller, who weds the near-psychotic rage of Teresa Giudice with the vituperation of Simon Cowell in perfect reality television matrimony. In spite of all this, her character—because I refuse to denigrate any human being to that level of callous virulence—is rather entertaining, propelling the show into a successful second season.
By Keaton Hoffman February 23, 2012
Trash Talk: America ain’t got talent
On Sunday night, American TV viewers witnessed a clash of titans, as NBC brought together the best of the best in a test of raw talent and unbridled passion. Oh yeah, and the Super Bowl was great too.
By Keaton Hoffman February 9, 2012
Trash Talk: Monochromatic matchmaking
For better or for worse, America is hooked on The Bachelor. The long-running matchmaking experiment, which brings together one handsome young single man and 32 neurotic women in the hopes of fostering matrimonial bliss, has proven one of the most successful franchises in the history of reality TV. With age-defying host Chris Harrison in tow, the show’s team has figured out the perfect formula of exotic destinations, outlandish dates, and emotionally unstable—and often intoxicated—bachelorettes to create a phenomenon that continues to thrive despite its meager nuptial success rate. Nevertheless, The Bachelor strikes a chord with viewers because, at its heart, it presents America with an idyllic image of true love (at least while the cameras are rolling) that in some small way mirrors all of our hopes for our own fairytale endings.
By Keaton Hoffman January 26, 2012
Trash Talk: In sickness and in wealth
This Thanksgiving, the Kardashian clan has a lot to be thankful for. Rob came in a respectable second in ABC’s Dancing with the Stars finale (his sister Kim only lasted three weeks). Khloe’s husband Lamar Odom returned to work thanks to a breakthrough in negotiations between the NBA and the players’ union. Kourtney revealed the shocking news that she and boyfriend Scott Disick are pregnant with their second child. And this Sunday, the next installment of the Kardashian saga, Kourtney & Kim Take New York, premiered on E! to an impressive 3.2 million viewers.
By Keaton Hoffman December 1, 2011
Occupy Towne
Whipped cream-flavored Burnett’s vodka in hand, two Jane Hoyas approach the cashier at Towne Wine and Liquor on Wisconsin Avenue and engage in familiar debate about splitting the bill—“I’m out of money … Buy you a fro-yo at Sweet Green tomorrow?” “Perf!” Unfortunately, the situation was not perfect. With $13 in hand, the thirsty ladies thought they had enough cash to pay for the vodka, but they forgot about one of D.C.’s more sinister institutions—alcohol taxes.
By Keaton Hoffman November 17, 2011
Facebooking the dead
Every October 25, my Facebook experiences its annual flood of wall posts. This inundation of birthday wishes from friends, family, distant cousins, Sunday school teachers, past hookups, and people I just plain forgot about is something only Facebook could facilitate. But another event on that day spawns an almost equally predictable outpouring of well-wishers—the death of my soccer teammate and friend, Will Wardrip.
By Keaton Hoffman October 27, 2011
Locked up abroad
The decision to study abroad can be daunting. With single-semester, summer, and yearlong programs in an endless number of exciting, exotic locations, the abundance of study abroad experiences gives students the ability to craft an ideal program that combines fun with enrichment. Still, I doubt a nearly four-year stint in an Italian prison is on anybody’s shortlist.
By Keaton Hoffman October 6, 2011
Fundamentalist fundamentals
Michelle Bachmann. Republican presidential hopeful. Representative of Minnesota’s 6th congressional district. Federal tax lawyer. Mother to 28 children, five of her own and 23 through the foster-care system. And—most importantly—evangelical Christian. The term makes even the mildest liberal cringe in disdain. Critics of Bachmann and the entire Tea Party movement see evangelicals as bigoted, racist, homophobic, and xenophobic radicals who have hijacked America and seek to limit our freedoms and propagate hate. Growing up in an evangelical household, I can say that this hardly represents the majority of evangelicals.
By Keaton Hoffman September 15, 2011
Carrying On: A colorful past
When I heard that Sean Penn had won the Academy Award for best actor for his role in Milk, I was curious to see how Penn’s portrayal of a dairy farmer garnered the attention of the Academy. It was only later that I learned that Milk, contrary to my assumption, is a biographical film detailing the life and struggles of Harvey Milk, a gay rights advocate and the first openly gay person to be elected to public office. Call me ignorant, but how was I supposed to know that?
By Keaton Hoffman April 28, 2011
Lead me into tempeh-tation and deliver me from cheese-vil
Growing up in a conservative Christian household, observing Lent has always been an intricate part of my cultural and religious identity. But this year I wanted to abstain from something that would truly challenge my willpower—my Diet Dr. Pepper fast from last year didn’t quite cut it.
By Keaton Hoffman April 7, 2011