Last night, I was sitting in my room crying because I had no date on Valentines day for the second consecutive year and I was thinking to myself, “Matt, what the hell can you do to cheer yourself up?” And then it hit me, “I’ll watch Home Alone, the greatest movie of all time!” Not only did the movie have a perfect title to describe the situation I was in, but it also happens to be one of the best movies ever made.
Home Alone, if you haven’t seen it, (in which case you ought to just stop reading this article and go and bang your head on a wall because you are pathetic) is about an eight year-old kid named Kevin, played by none other than former child star Macaulay Culkin. At the beginning of the movie, Kevin is left at home by his parents and family when they leave for Christmas holiday in Paris. After a few days of trashing the house and pigging out on junk food (what most college students do everyday), Kevin starts to realize that being “home alone” is not as easy as he thought, especially after two robbers (Joe Peschi and Daniel Stern) try to break into his house. In response to the robbers, Kevin rigs the house with tons of booby traps and proceeds to kick their ass as they try and get him.
That’s enough summarizing for now and as I said before, if you haven’t seen the movie, then see the note above and repeat twice, because you aren’t following directions. Anyway, this is the perfect no-date-on-Valentines Day movie. First and foremost, Macaulay Culkin is the star. Yeah, so who cares that he’s a washed up loser now? Macaulay Culkin is a god among men. His wit and style are untouched, and his talent can only be compared to the likes of Al Pacino and Clark Gable. Macaulay Culkin carries the part of Kevin in convincing fashion and lights up the stage with awesome lines like “Do you guys give up or are you thirsty for more?!” He is truly a cinematic genius.
Secondly, there are no annoying girls in the movie to make you think about all the girls who aren’t there watching it with you. And finally, there is tons of gratuitous violence that you dont really have to feel bad about because the movie is a comedy.
In short, this movie is awesome. It reminds me of when I was a kid and all the horrible things that I did in my house and all the trouble I caused, oh the memories. It also made me think of the fantastic possibility of settting tons of torturous traps for my roomates who were out on dates and enjoying themselves while I suffered. Above all other reasons, however, the thing that makes this movie so awesome is that it allows you to laugh. The movie is a social commentary on America that shows our country as a place where kids eat what they want to, where kids do what they want and where kids say f*&k you to authority. God Bless the Home Alone version of America. On a final and deeper note, when you wake up tommorow look at yourself in the mirror and say “If only I could be more like Macaulay Culkin.” You will feel better instantly, I promise. Then take some really strong aftershave, slam it on your face and yell ” AHHHH!” Then wake up and get to class. This is the real world.