The Shiny Bald Guy

By the

March 22, 2001

This article exists because every year many of us fool ourselves, for just a few weeks, into thinking that the Oscars are something other than a huge joke. Beautiful people get dressed up to compete for a little, shiny, bald guy named Oscar. The getting dressed up part means parading around in kitschy clothing that covers nothing and stretches extravagence to the point of insanity. Other than that, it’s just a chance for us to see Hollywood jerk itself off, scientologists congratulate each other and insipid commentators pontificate about who is going to what party.

The worst part is that the best movies inevitably get screwed so that 3 hour corporate advertisements like Castaway can be told how great they are. This time-honored tradition has made my job of predicting the winners only that much easier.

So, in classic Oscar form, I’m going to start with an award that I’m sure you don’t care about: Best musical score. No question, the best music in any movie this year has been the score to Bjork’s Dancer in the Dark?not even nominated. Instead, I bet Patriot will win because the Academy feels sorry for Mel since his movie isn’t going to win anything else.

I’m going to skip most of the other awards and move right to Best Actor, Actress and Picture. Tom Hanks is going to win Best Actor. Castaway sucked. It lasted forever. I don’t mind that there was no solid resolution, but I do mind that it seemed like we had to watch every minute of Hanks’ four years on the island. I say, give the Oscar to Wilson. At least he had the decency to go away. Apparently he hated the movie as much as I did. If not Wilson, then Ed Harris should for becoming Jackson Pollock in Pollock. And why wasn’t Chow Yun Phat nominated for Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon?

Best Actress: You know Brockovich is going to win. I must admit, I found this movie entertaining, and Julia Roberts was not as annoying as she could have been. Unfortunately her Hollywood star power will stop the other actresses from even being seriously considered

Now on to the award that people actually care about: Best Picture. I’m suprised and thrilled that Crap Away wasn’t even nominated. Yet sadly, Crouching Tiger will win the consolation prize of best foreign film and not be considered for the big cheese. Maybe Academy members couldn’t read the subtitles. Personally, I hope Gladiator wins, not because it was such a great story, but because it was entertaining, more so than the cheesy Brockovich. I would also like to see Traffic win, but it won’t, simply because, like Crouching Tiger, it forces the audience to think a little bit. Gladiator on the other hand is just old fashioned, dead-brained violence. I think Gladiator will win.

Anyways, go watch the Oscars. I hope that this year my predictions are wrong, but I doubt it. So just remember that I told you so.

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