I dunno how many of you read the ever-glorious Sermon last week. I did and now, simply to prove that I’m funnier than my esteemed editor, I’m going to do roughly the same thing he did.
Wait, why are you doing this?
Shut up.
Hostile. Anyway, what’s the deal with the NFL?
The NFL, my good friend whom I don’t know but who writes in italics, is …
Call me Italicy.
That’s lame.
So is your mom.
Oh, nice, a fifth grader. Guess you were growing up when the words “Randall Cunningham” were synonomous with QB excellence.
I always preferred Chris Miller.
Ah, the Red Gun!
You gonna answer my question, fool?
Oh yea. That. The deal with the NFL in the earliest stages of the 2001 season is simple: players who have no right being good are simply dominating the league. Consider: the best tailback in the league through three weeks is Ahman Green. Ahman Green has no business even playing football in America, much less leading a revitalized Packers attack on the ground. LaDanian Tomlinson, who many wouldn’t put on their draft boards because he ain’t big enough, is leading the Chargers. He’s racked up two 100-yard rushing games, and the Chargers have tripled their win total from the previous season.
That wasn’t hard. They had one.
Thanks, Captain Obvious.
I don’t appreciate your tone.
Nor do I appreciate your font. Jon Kitna, who went through more personality changes than the lead in a P.T. Anderson movie, is directing one of the most stable offenses in the league. Garrison Hearst went nuts on the Jets last Monday and is the all-time leading rusher in the history of Monday Night Football. The Bears have even won a game.
I told you Cade McNown was a flop.
You told me nothing! Cade McNown shall rise again but not in a Dolphins jersey. Next season, with the Lions, he shall become a man. McNown to Johnnie Morton is a combination that no secondary is prepared for. Right now, though, the Lions are utter trash and their game this Monday against the Rams will be one of the worst nationally televised sporting events since Ultimate Fighting Championships IX.
I’m a big Tank Abbot fan.
I’m a big Priest Holmes fan. Well, no. But he went nuts on the Skins last week, derailing the best-laid plans of Marty and Dan to the tune of 225 all-purpose yards. I picked him up for my fantasy team.
Hehe. You idiot.
Oh, like you know anything! I sent Bledsoe to waivers because he’s out for a while, so I need someone, and I figured I would reload with a tailback that no one trusts yet. The fact is, if Jamal Lewis hadn’t ousted him in Baltimore, Holmes would be the reigning Super Bowl MVP right now.
Hey, so much for your Hasselbeck prediction, eh?
Give it time. They’re waiting till week eight to explode … so, is Bonds gonna do this?
What the? I’m supposed to ask you the questions!
Answer the darn question, brah.
Where did you pick up “brah,” at Champs? But no, he won’t do it. He’ll draw too many walks.
Egad, man! Do you need an extra chromosome? Because I don’t think Whitey Herzog is using his right about now.
That’s enough of your White Rat bashing! He was the premier managerial force of the ‘80s! That’s it. I’m out.
Good riddance. And by the way, Trent Green will be a shining beacon of light in the cruel, cruel world of the NFL by early November.
