There is a need in life for many sports fans to pick on historically inept professional franchises. Many hardcore sports fans, the ones who read Sports Illustrated weekly, watch Pardon the Interruption daily, listen to sports-talk radio hourly and refresh espn.com by the minute, feel that their “expertise” allows them to demean said teams on a continual and annoying basis. We have a problem with the guys, we’ll call them ESPNites, who can’t make it through two sentences without insulting some sports team or another. It’s easy to identify these ESPNites. Try to start up a conversation about the plight of the tenant farmer in Columbia and the guy who goes, “Well at least they’re not doing as bad as the Brewers; how much are they paying that Jeffrey Hammonds guy again?” is your man.
These fans have clear psychological problems that they are taking out on the poor, defenseless Detroit Lions.
We’re not saying that everyone is not entitled to a Devil Rays’ joke every now and again: Poking fun at absurdities is a right that is extended even to the sports world. The problem is that the ESPNites have nothing to show for the hours upon hours they’ve spent in front of the TV/radio/computer getting sports analysis. To compensate, these fans acquire feeling of superiority because they know they couldn’t screw up a team as bad as the Golden State Warrior’s Gary St. Jean, St. Augustine or whomever their general manager is now. As a result, they tell everyone about it all the time.
The fact is that the people in charge of bad teams?even consistently, morbidly, pathetically bad teams?know much more about sports than even the most serious ESPNite. General managers and coaches have access to a wealth of information and have experience that many ESPNites would kill for. The truth is that if you could have done a better job, the Tampa Bay Lightning would have hired you.
Still, one nagging thought keeps us from making a completely sound argument?the Cincinnati Bengals. Simply put, the Bungles are the most pathetic franchise in the sports world and we’re sure we could do a better job managing them if handed the reins. On the field, Cincinnati has been the home to some of the lousiest players in NFL history including quarterback failures David Klingler and Gus Frerotte. Off the field, their ridiculously designed website and putrid uniforms shows they can’t even get simple design right. Previously, the only shamen who could rescue Cincinnati from the fifth circle of hell were two guys named “Boomer” and “Ickey”. We feel it’s time to give us or even a psycho like an ESPNite a chance; it’s too bad that oftentimes we’re one in the same.
