Looking for something awesome and totally rocking to chase away those winter “blahs” and other emotions best expressed by non-words? Try a good book. Or, better yet, try the good book. Or just read the Bible. This “blast-from-the-past” has it all—action, adventure, betrayal, smiting, psalms, zombies, giants, Pharisees, morals and sects. Lots of hot, steamy sects.
From its unforgettable opening (“It was a dark and stormy night … “) through its thrilling conclusion (“The End”) the Bible has entertained and enlightened thousands upon lots of people the world over. Divided into two parts, the Old and New Testaments, the Bible has a little something for everyone. The Old Testament details the beginning of the world (approximately 6,000 years ago) through the destruction of mankind (serves them right for coveting and swearing), to mankind’s comeback and the return of sin and evil. And that’s all in the first book, Genesis (named after Phil Collins’ band).
Its sequel, the New Testament, takes place about four years later, when a ragtag group of rebels led by the charismatic Jesus Christ are commissioned to save the universe by taking Doc’s DeLorean time-machine back in time to destroy the newly completed Death Star. This narrative thread is offset by the rise to power of his father, God (aptly played by Robert DeNiro), who leads the misfits from a certain Police Academy through the Temple of Doom in order to kill the ghost of Jason which still haunts Crystal Lake summer camp. Through it all, Jesus (along with his devoted followers, D12) finds love, loses love, comes of age, overcomes adversity, loses love (again), questions values and ultimately gets crucified, only to emerge stronger for having been tested.
Another reason to read the Bible is to better understand Mel Gibson’s upcoming film The Passion, a look at the last few hours of Jesus’ life—a subject that has never been dealt with in film before, except for the thousands of times it has been dealt with in films before. As if ruining Hamlet weren’t enough, Gibson plans to tell the greatest story ever told exclusively in Aramaic and Latin, relying on his ability to ruin the film solely through onscreen action, instead of poor dialogue. The story will also be altered to pair Jesus with an aging, wacky sidekick only two weeks from retirement who sputters “I’m gettin’ too old for this shit” every time he denies Jesus or gets chased by centurions.
Need more incentive to read the book that Bufford T. Pusser of Good-morning Gospel called “a rip-roaring, action-packed no-holds barred, hyphenated-adjective-filled, roller-coaster ride of self-discovery and wonder”? You might be surprised to know that some cool bands like Creed, P.O.D. and Dishwalla, in addition to “rocking,” also roll—with God. If that’s not enough, how about the promise of not burning for eternity in sulfurous hell-fire and indescribable agony? Is that good enough for you? That’s what we thought. So if you’re looking for a good read and have previously made it through important world religious texts like the Upanishads, the Torah, the Koran and Battlefield Earth, then give the Bible a try. It might not change your life, but you’ll be too busy having fun to notice!
—Scott Matthews
