Gabe Fischbarg claims that men should never act vulnerable, because girls can smell desperation. What he hasn’t taken into account is that girls can also smell a sleaze a mile away, and his The Guide to Picking Up Girls emits a stench similar to that of month-old sea bass.
Fischbarg’s goal is simple-he wants to teach guys how to become confident, intelligent, sex-machines. It’s like hunting. Before you can bag the animal you first have to understand her movements and motivations. This is where Fischbarg goes massively wrong-he doesn’t understand women in the least. He thinks that their lives are ruled by biological clocks, that all they want at any given time is a boyfriend while they daydream about nothing but weddings, and that their careers are totally secondary to their man-getting abilities. Women like this certainly exist—but it’s unclear where one can find them, why one would ever want to, and especially why any guy would ever want to hit on one of these desperate, superficial, clingy females, aside from the whole sex thing. Maybe the women of the past really were this misunderstood, and Fischbarg is just oblivious to the fact that times have changed. Either way, his inability to even approach his target in his understanding of women make his Guide a comic mishap rather than a useful instruction manual.
So here’s an experiment you can try based on the book: See what kind of girls Fischbarg’s advice gets you. It’s a new game along the lines of “How to Lose a Girl in 10 Seconds” by using the following choice pieces of Fischbarg’s angling techniques. Of course, trying any of them could send most females sprinting in the opposite direction—and if they don’t take off like a shot, they’ll serve as a new reminder of why some men turn to the cloth.
Point 1-Gabe “General Electric” Fischbarg believes that girls can be likened to light switches: either they are horny (on) or taken (off). He must be right. When girls sense even a drop of testosterone, they come out swinging. For future reference, consider their switches off-it’s whether or not you can turn them on. The Gabe-inator suggests, “While swarthily leaning in, ask a girl in a husky voice if her switch is on.”
Point 2-Foxy Fischbarg thinks that girls are on a lifelong mission to get married, so dropping the “m-word” while talking to her will give you instant credibility. You’ll seem mature and differentiate yourself from the average guy-or just get weird looks and fake phone numbers. It’s OK—I’m sure tons of girls can be reached at 867-5309.
Point 3—According to Gifted Gabe’s guide to chick repulsion, men should never dance. In fact, he feels that turning down an invitation to dance can actually boost one’s “rap.” This is surely invaluable advice to any guy who wants to wrangle that elusive hottie. Aside from the occasional headbang to the new Andrew W.K. song, guys should avoid the boogie. To bling-bling like Gabe Diddy: Put on that old Mossimo hat and make like the wallflowers at middle school mixers (they got all the ladies, after all). Never dance. Really, good rhythm and agile body movements are completely useless in a relationship.
The Guide is a book written for stupid, single guys looking to become egotistical, obnoxious, superficial, stalking, obvious and perpetually single guys. Wait-nevermind. Guys that read The Guide may have some success finding a “chick,” as Fischbarg knowingly calls them-said girl will simply be of equally low intelligence as the men that bought The Guide in an effort to pick them up. Match made in heaven.
If you really want some good old-fashioned fun on a boring night out, buy The Guide to Picking up Girls. Follow some of his directions: Talk about your “rap” with your pre-trained “wingman” in loud tones over your first few drinks, which are essential, because nothing turns a girl on more than beer breath. Then, when she doesn’t give you her number, 4-HOYA her because you know she’s so desperate for a boyfriend she’s bound to be pleasantly surprised by your heavy breathing. After you tally up the results of your game, you’ll realize that you’ve become a stalking weirdo who got his advice on how to pick up girls from a balding forty-year-old with a huge generational gap. In conclusion, the females of Georgetown describe Gabe’s methods in one word: fishy.
