How to make a bad student film

Two weeks have passed since Georgetown third annual student film festival. In the interim, the Lord has risen on the third day, and we here at Voice Leisure have witnessed intrepid students dashing about with digital cameras in preparation for next year’s competition. To them, we say bravo, but with caveats. After watching many hours of this school’s creative spirit, we found it appropriate to make some vast generalizations and offer a bit of unsolicited advice for you young auteurs.

Essential things you must pay attention to:

Sound-Once, movies had none of this. To make up for lack of said noise, actors walked around in funny ways and used various assorted and sundry props to divert the audience’s attention. Melodramatic overacting was encouraged, lots of hands to faces, wide-open mouths and flailing arms. Now, movies are called talkies. Por favor, use microphones near the mouths of your actors. How can we appreciate their subtle portrayals of troubled college-age youths if they are unheard. Get a boom mike off Ebay and attach it to your camera.

Acting-Subtle is one thing. We like subtle. It shows maturity. While no one says college actors need to be mature, they certainly have to do more than serve as empty receptacles for the recital of lines that no one would ever speak. Also, we lost count of how many movies the assorted members of Georgetown Players Improv Group were in. It’s very incestuous and eerie and cultish. There really have to be others who can do this stuff.

Editing-Partake in this, a very basic movie-making skill. As in most narratives, there are activities that can be excised, as we can safely assume they happen whether we see them or not. The first of these is walking. Everyone does it and no one likes to watch it. The same goes for bathroom scenes, that is, scenes where people are using the bathroom. Just because you can show something does not mean you should. In regards to repetition, it is only to be included if absolutely necessary, which for student filmmakers should be never. Make scenes shorter. Develop a rhythm. Alternate long with short and provide dramatic contrast. Really.

Picture Quality-Focus. This is key to making sure your film does not seem entirely like an extended dream sequence. It should be clear through the viewfinder whether or not something the picture is blurry. We just don’t understand.

Lighting-This is closely related to picture quality. Two things. First, if you only have a light source behind the person who is being filmed, we cannot see their face. If this is on purpose, great. It’s usually not, though. Second, if you only have a light source directly on the person who is being filmed, we a) cannot distinguish their bodies from the background and b) are freaked out by how they are all albinos.

Music-You know what would be great? If student films on a whole didn’t contain popular songs of the moment. You know what would be better? If consecutive films did not have the same annoying, popular songs. You know what would be best? If some intrepid student filmmaker decided to utilize the hidden pockets of talent here at Georgetown and have someone compose an original score or something comparable. Speaking of Georgetown …

Locations-We acknowledge that you go to Georgetown. No need for wounded egos. There is also no need to have every movie take place in the same five locations: Lauinger, Healy, Leavey, Copley Lawn and your dorm/apartment. Go beyond the front gates. It really is a different world out there.

Guns/Killing-You can also toss in retractable knives, fake blood and ketchup, falling off ledges that are obviously two feet above the ground and throat-clutching poison. Life is dramatic enough, there is no need to make it ridiculously so.

Televisions-Practical things first. There is a setting you have to put your camera on in order to film television screens so that you will not get a flickering, unwatchable picture full of glare. Cultural observation next. Are we so obsessed by television that our own creative attempts seem required to have shots of not only TVs themselves, but also that which is on the TV?

Mirrors-Perhaps this speaks to the inherent self-obsession of college students. Why do these films have so many people looking at or talking to themselves in mirrors? This is not an isolated event, either. It is not deep. It is boring. We find it poor enough to have to watch bad acting once, but to see it and see it also reflected back at us is too much to bear.

Unrelated things we would like to see more of:

Non sequiturs-People playing instruments, but not using their hands or mouths. Animals that are not indigenous to North America. The interactions between a piece of pipe and its arch-nemesis. Things like that.

Masks-Animal faces were cool. Maybe even some of the ones those guys on Mr. Personality are wearing. The more the merrier.

Black and white movies that don’t make sense-Oh, wait, no, we don’t want to see anymore of these.

Odd guy with the umbrella-While he wasn’t in any of this year’s films, he absolutely has to be in one of next year’s. He walks around with a fishing hat, an umbrella, two backpacks, three plastic bags and a steel briefcase. You know you’ve seen him and you know you want him … to be in your movie.