Tired of lame sitcoms and lowest-common-denominator television programming? Probably not. You are their target audience, after all. But if the usual life-wasting entertainment is starting to wear thin, then clearly the only answer is to move to Japan for its rich array of quality television shows.
Most normal people will probably regard this plan as a drastic step. Remember that normal is also a setting on your dryer, so don’t listen to them. To help you decide if you’re ready to take the plunge and make the move, here are some highlights of basic Japanese cable channels and programming.
Channel 3: The Learning Channel frequently has programs designed to teach the Japanese the basics of foreign languages. The problem is that after two hours of 15-minute segments, all you can talk about are soccer in German, animals in Spanish and shopping in Chinese.
One of the better shows is designed to teach English and involves a Japanese high-school student talking to an obnoxious, blonde foreign peer. He’ll say something in English that makes sense but sounds as if off. After looking at him as if he had just murdered his parents, the American corrects him. This confusion being settled, the two bond over something such as their love of adult contemporary music.
Channel 4: Two young boys and two middle-aged men are running around and yelling at a building from different angles. I’m not even going to bother with this one.
Channel 6: The show “Amazing Pets” gets props for its feature Chimp and Dog, my new favorite skit. It involves a chimp dressed like a young girl who leads around an ugly bulldog. The chimp has to perform tasks such as riding the train, delivering newspapers by bike or buying something at a store.
Channel 8: American dating shows have long exploited stupid people for laughs, but not in nearly as sadistic a manner as the Japanese have. One involves an unsuspecting guy who goes on a date with a model while his girlfriend and a panel of smart asses watch from concealed cameras. They feed the model lines through a mic in her ear.
The show usually ends with the girl taking the tool back to her place. She makes him act like a jackass until an actor dressed like a yakuza gangster pretending to be her boyfriend busts in. The fake gangster scares the hell out of the guy who thought he was going to get laid, but lets him go. Upon leaving the apartment/studio, the guy is confronted by his crying girlfriend who breaks up with him. Finally, a dating show where everyone gets screwed.
Channel 10: Japanese soap operas, made-for-television movies and dramas are annoying as hell because they are shot almost exclusively with digital cameras., giving them an artificial look. Right now a pretty Japanese woman is speaking, but the camera is firmly focused on her breasts. Cameramen here have a hard time finding a woman’s face. Whether it’s a talk show, cooking show, drama or commercial for cancer medicine, it’s a pretty safe bet that the camera will drift south when it’s time for the womenfolk to speak.
Channel 12: The leader of a band is decked out in leather with his face painted eerie Marilyn Manson white and red. Similarly attired, the rest of the band looks pretty badass. This all would add up to a fairly intimidating spectacle if not for the fact that they’re playing some of the weakest adult contemporary you’ve ever heard.
In addition, no one knows marketing like the Japanese. They have honed their commercial-making ability to a subtle and sophisticated level rarely seen on Western television. You will never lust after convenience store ramen or shampoo the way you will after seeing a screaming Japanese businessman’s eyes bug out of his head as he tries a product that is being marketed in front of a background of rapidly changing colors and words flashing across the screen.
One of the better commercials involves an exchange between a Japanese kid and Dennis Hopper in a cornfield. The kid tries to explain why the corn chips he’s selling are great, and Dennis is confused and talks to him in English. Come on, choosing Dennis Hopper? He’s too busy having sex with your parents while flying in a plane made of cocaine and oatmeal to be spending time in a cornfield. Unless he just stopped by to throw away someone’s severed ear.
Japanese television provides a rich cornucopia of entertaining, informative and nightmare-inducing programming. The spectacle is almost worth the trouble of learning this stupid language. Yeah, almost.
