Somewhere in the West Virginia hills there exists a camp. This camp has no activities like arts and crafts or horseback riding. It is devoted to one thing: teaching bands how to rock. Contrary to popular belief, great rock stars are made, not born. Up and coming bands must focus not only putting out an album and building a fan base, but on cultivating an aura of stardom.
One band that has obviously attended rock star camp is Kings of Leon. Although its live performances may be lackluster and predictable, its mannerisms suggest a serious rockstar-training regimen and a strict adherence to the following rules of rock:
Rockstar lesson No. 1: Good hair
Just because you are a musician does not mean you can’t have salon perfect hair. Any good band understands the benefits of a trendy new cut. We advise “The Rachel,” a layered haircut based on Jennifer Aniston’s character in circa 1995 episodes of Friends, although some edgier musicians are opting for choppier cuts reminiscent of Pat Benatar. And don’t be afraid of conditioner: Combine a daily application of conditioner with a nightly hair-brushing routine. That whole pseudo-dirty phase is way overrated. Nice hair leads to record contracts and hoards of rabid fans.
Rockstar lesson No. 2: Tight pants
How can you prance effectively if your pants are not constricting the blood flow to your genitals? When buying pants, bypass the men’s department in favor of sizes more appropriate for middle-school girls. No, tighter. TIGHTER! You gotta want it. Good. Now, mince like you’ve never minced before! You can’t sit down, because the pants don’t allow it. Use the increasing stiffness in your legs as motivation to rock harder. Jerk your knees and then kick out spastically. This will probably shorten your life span, but you’re too busy rocking to care.
Rockstar lesson No. 3: Don’t creatively overextend yourself
Don’t fall into the trap of trying to put out new albums. Be content with touring on the 10 songs from your debut. Honestly, can anyone really remember the lyrics to more than 10 songs? Additionally, play the songs live in exactly the same style as they were recorded. Live shows aren’t time for getting creative or experimental; they’re about replicating the CD. Also, no need to create an innovative or distinct sound. Take two already established bands and blend their styles together. Why try when you can just steal?
Rockstar lesson No. 4: Ambiguous relationship between band members
So three of you are brothers and the other member of the band is your cousin? So you’re either brother and sister or husband and wife? The real relationship between you and your band mates is of little consequence. The only important thing is that the public is never quite sure if you are telling the truth. Captivate potential fans with a tangled genealogical web. Don’t forget that without this as a cause of speculation, you are not at all interesting.
Armed with these four rules, you’re well on your way to making rock history. Squeeze into your jeans, stock up on cigs and leave your talent at home. You’re a star now, baby. It’s not about the music; it’s all about you.
