So this is college. We’re young, we’re hot and we’re poised to take over the world. Naturally our thoughts are occupied with the problems facing our country: a poor economy, the quagmire in Iraq and the difficulties of finding a decent boyfriend. The college dating scene has become all but non-existent in recent years. Undergrads eschew traditional courtship rituals in favor of hopping from bed to bed like rabbits on amphetamines. Those seeking commitment become social pariahs and must watch from the sidelines as young men and women fling off their pants in a Dionysian embrace of hedonism. However, there is a new trend on the horizon that makes serial monogamists cool again.
Marriage is the new dating. It’s time for society to abandon the archaic, lengthy and unrewarding process of dating in favor of that time-honored social institution: marriage. Let’s face it: dating is stupid. Dates are futile attempts at getting to know someone that only breed humiliation and self-loathing. So why not skip it and get straight to the domestic bliss? Everyone knows that marriage is great, due in large part to the ability of married couples to have sex constantly.
Here’s how it works: instead of randomly hooking up with people to whom you are attracted, you marry them. Think that guy with the long hair in your class is cute? You’re wrong, but don’t spend all semester figuring that out; take the initiative and get down on one knee. There’s no reason anyone would say no: marriage allows you to skip the awkward silent pauses over dinner, the painful phone conversations and the uncomfortable public displays of affection. Instead, you get a fun honeymoon, nice gifts, a tax break and the opportunity to have unprotected sex.
If it doesn’t work out, there’s always divorce. And abortion. Let’s make divorce cheap and abortion cheaper. There’s no reason people should feel locked into marriage or children. We’ve got the technology to allow people to change their minds about these situations, so let’s use it. Once it becomes the social norm, the cycle will become natural: meet, marry, procreate, abort, divorce. Repeat at will. Spending an entire lifetime living out a mere one cycle of this process is tantamount to a crime, especially when you can live and then relive it several times in a single year.
This new marriage trend should include society as a whole. Everyone should be able to marry everyone, regardless of sex, age or species. Already married to one person? No problem. Multiple spouses mean more opportunities for doin’ it.
Recently, society has taken a turn for the conservative, placing moral values at the top of the country’s list of priorities. In last month’s election, several states voted to amend their constitutions in order to provide an explicit definition for marriage. These states should have acted more boldly. Let’s draft an amendment mandating marriage. By age 21, every American should have been or should currently be married. What better way to reinstate morality and strengthen the institution of marriage than to have a nationwide marriage spree, making sure that all appreciate their mandatory marital bliss? This amendment will make dating obsolete and usher in the age of the disposable marriage. College students will finally be able to rest easy, knowing that the greatest problem plaguing their generation has been resolved.
