As Valentine’s Day nears, I know our male readers are feeling anxious about what to give their sweethearts. The most generous will give jewelry, the most presumptuous will give lingerie, and the most boring will give roses, yet the most clever will surely give chocolate. But not just any chocolate will do, boys. If you want your gift to pay off, you’ll want to showcase the thought you put into your selection.
1. If your Valentine is picky, you’ll want the best chocolate money can buy. For this, I suggest going to a specialty chocolate shop (no, I don’t mean Godiva). While this is not the most economic option, you’ll tell her that her gift was expensive so she should shut up and enjoy it. She will, too, because although all chocolate is derived from relatively comparable cocoa liquor, the processing time, butter content and percentage of liquor used are variants that determine the quality of chocolate.
2. If your Valentine is a health nut, chances are last year she dumped your unopened chocolates in the trash, wishing you knew her well enough to know that she does NOT eat chocolate, but would rather have sexy underwear. Thanks to you, her ass will be too big to fit in the sexy underwear you never bought her. This year, get her 70 percent dark chocolate by Lindt or Ghirardelli (the Swiss company’s American branch). You can tell her that the fats in cocoa are good fats. It’s the milk and sugar additives that are the problem. Studies have shown that cocoa is actually good for the heart and circulation. Oh yeah, and mention that her ass isn’t fat, it’s perfect.
3. If your Valentine is a cold bitch, chocolate is surely the remedy. It is a stimulant that has mood-altering properties and has long been recognized as an aphrodisiac. Try the West Coast brand Scharffenberger (not nearly as German as its name would suggest). It’s high quality and well marketed, if overpriced.
4. If your Valentine is a jock she will most likely be nonplussed upon receiving, say, a Teddy gram or heart-shaped box of Whitman’s Select. Instead, opt for Ritter Sport, the German import you can find quite easily now in the U.S. It comes in a wide variety of flavors, including personal favorites White Hazelnut and Marzipan.
5. If your Valentine is a bleeding heart and is concerned with free trade you should buy, believe it or not, Mars products. Although famous for their somewhat more down-market M&Ms, Mars does make the higher end Dove bar. Your Valentine will be glad to know that Mars, in cooperation with the World Cocoa Foundation, is active in trying to end child labor in the West African nations that produce between 40 and 50 percent of the world’s cocoa. They are also leaders in the “Cocoa for Coca” movement, which helps farmers in Columbia and Ecuador switch from coca (the plant from which cocaine is made) to cocoa as their cash crop. Well done, Mars.
Of course, I could tell you which chocolate is the best in my opinion, but the answer is to experiment and decide for yourself, because, ultimately, chocolate is a matter of personal taste.
