Georgetown parties are a model of decorum, hosted in sophisticated settings with interesting, clever conversationalists. Georgetown University parties, on the other hand, are full of assholes. So how does one maintain one’s sang-froid when someone dumps a full keg over one’s head? Voice Leisure is here to help with a list of party etiquette sure to be neither enlightening nor worth the three minutes it will take to read.
1. Remember that the small fork on the left is the shrimp fork for eating shrimp, the next fork is the salad fork, to be used on salads and appetizers, and the knife in your back pocket is a shiv; it’s for that guy who’s been looking at you funny all night.
2. If the line to the bathroom is too long, always pee in the first corner counter-clockwise from the entrance.
3. When putting your face between a girl’s breasts and saying “Brrrrrrr!” it is considered a sign of courtesy to wear a snorkel and mask.
4. If your friend asks for a condom so he can hook up with someone, consciously giving him the novelty one you carry around with the holes punched in it is not only immoral, but hilarious.
5. Pouring beer on someone without their consent is extremely impolite, unless you yell “surprise!” first.
6. If DPS shows up, comply with all orders and evacuate the premises in an orderly fashion before chucking your full beer can at the back of their head.
7. When doing body shots off of a fattie, you won’t need to chase it with anything (on account of the salt from her sweat), but it’s still considered polite to go through the motions. Under no circumstances should you ask her why the tequila tastes like bacon.
8. When you’re at a Business Frat party, reach-arounds will be given liberally and will be expected in return.
9. If someone asks you what school you’re in, what you study or a similarly lame question, it is appropriate to punch them in the dick or corresponding naughty bit.
10. No one likes a potty mouth. Substitute graphic, inappropriate phrases with gentler ones like “dolls-to-the-wall” or “fist love-making.”
11. Don’t hook up with someone if you’re dirty. You know, like HIV dirty.
12. If you see an attractive member of the opposite sex drinking or dancing alone, feel free to annoy the shit out of them.
13. Remember that condoms don’t work, and sex will kill you. Unless you pray for forgiveness. Sinner.
14. Always remember that Jack Thompson (Copley 813) doesn’t respect you as a person.
15. When dancing, the woman leads on slower numbers, like waltzes and mazurkas, but anything goes when you’re freakin’.
16. A rousing game of grab-ass is not only a great ice-breaker but a good chance to grab some sweet asses.
17. Just make sure she’s this old (give or take a year) first. Trust me on this one, dude.
18. Past her prime.
19. Fellas, this ain’t no petting zoo. So stop chasing that goat around, pervert.
20. Firing a gun into the air jubilantly is a good way to display your happiness or that you just want some wallets.
21. Always wear a helmet.
