Movies are a great way to forget about how miserable your own life is, but who really has time to get away for two hours? That’s why the Voice is here to save you time by giving you some summaries and spoilers to some of the latest movies, as well as some classics that you may have missed.
The Life Aquatic-Dude has boat, dude finds son, son dies, dude has boat and a dead son.
In Good Company-Dweeb from That 70’s Show (not Fez) is cool and has money, takes your dad’s job and starts going out with your high-school age sister and gets dumped. Oh snap!
All Anal Antics Vol. 29- A touching loving story. Oh, sorry, I meant throbbing.
Ray-Dude can’t see. Or can he? No, he’s blind as a bat.
Collateral-Ray drives a cab. Holy shit! Not much piano playing though.
The Last Samurai-Maverick from Top Gun finds a time machine and goes back to feudal Japan to teach the local-yokels how to fight like men. Kind of like Double Dragon for Nintendo but with better graphics.
The Aviator-Leonardo goes nuts. “They can’t control the skies.” Or can they?
Ocean’s Rwanda-George Clooney hires Don Cheadle to rob Rwanda, but he starts a genocide by accident. Classless!
Meet the Fockers-They meet the Fockers. Dumbass.
Dr. Zhivago-Zhivago butchers a simple tummy-tuck and the movie ends with him losing his medical license. Kind of like an old-school Nip/Tuck.
Casablanca-Everyone dies. And we mean everyone.
Kill Bill-She kills Ted by accident.
Debbie Does Dallas-A tender and sincere coming-of-age tale about an impressionable young girl and the city that bangs her silly.
Kinsey-A tender coming of age story about an impressionable academic and the city that bangs him silly. In the name of science.
Motorcycle Diaries-Che was actually a cheerleader in high school. Who knew?
Predator-Arnold Schwarzenegger lays out his proposal for electricity control in Southern California. And kicks ass.
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon-Asians fly, LSD becomes totally unnecessary.
Requiem for a Dream-The kid from My So-Called Life develops a fondness for heroin, loses arm.
-Scott Matthews
