This one goes out to the seniors, who, if they’re anything like us, are trying to numb the pain of the last few days of classes with a rigorous regimen of malt liquor, hand-rolled cigarettes and crippling self-loathing. This doesn’t leave too much time for thinking about the nuances of graduation and all the ceremonial hoopla that comes with it. Luckily, Voice Leisure is here to think for you. Here’s a list of graduation DO’s and DON’Ts. Approach them as you’ve approached Georgetown for the last four years: without any sense of irony whatsoever.
-DO mock the family.
-DON’T give birth.
-DON’T get high on PCP and attempt to wrench the arm off the keynote speaker.
-DO get high on acid and attempt to wrench the arm off the keynote speaker.
-DON’T offer to blow the person next to you for their diploma.
-DO hit on your best friend’s aunt.
-DON’T allow your cynicism to overtake you and cause you to loathe the entire event. Oh wait, we meant do.
-DO create a drinking game based around the phrase “Georgetown Forever.”
-DO hug anything that moves.
-DON’T give in to the temptation to bang your wrists together until you pass out.
-DO hum. Loudly and constantly.
-DON’T shriek yourself to death.
-DON’T throw your cap into the air.
-DO release a flock of virgin-white doves.
-DON’T show your tits when the camera’s on you.
-DO show them at every other possible moment.
-DON’T think of this as a milestone, a real turning point in your life.
-DO scam a gift off everyone you know.
-DO burst out of your chrysalis upon accepting your diploma and fly away like the beautiful butterfly you are.
-DON’T wear more than a sequined g-string and pasties under your robe.
-DO make them work for it.
-DO interpret the direction ‘cap and gown’ loosely. Very loosely.
-DON’T invoke your Second Amendment rights by firing your handgun into the air or crowd.
-DO take this opportunity to show off your skillz as a lyrical gangsta.
-DO insist on making a speech upon receiving your degree that consists of “A Tale of Two Cities” in its entirety.
-DO use protection.
-DON’T try to finally lose your virginity with the assembled eye-candy on the stage.
-DON’T stop, get it get it.
-DO propose marriage to the person sitting immediately to your left.
-DO save money by fashioning your cap and gown from garbage bags.
-DO give Jack DeGioia the slow hand.
-DO attend Visitation’s graduation by accident.
-DON’T try and get with any of the Visitation girls. Georgetown Prep girls are easier.
-DO equip your younger sister with an airhorn and methamphetamines.
-DO have one last crazy night with Jack the Bulldog and a jar of peanut butter.
-DON’T use chunky peanut butter.
-DO politely discuss your post-graduation plans with your friend’s parents.
-DON’T mention that they mostly involve a cardboard box under the Brooklyn Bridge and a needle exchange.
-DO pose for photos with people you haven’t talked to since your first year.
-DO be glad you decided to smuggle your shiv into graduation.
-DON’T get caught with blood on your hands.
-DO take the $399 you set aside for a class ring, convert it to quarters and purchase 1,600 plastic rings from the machine outside Safeway.
-DO figure out how to wear them all simultaneously.
-DO recognize that your elitism is caused by an inferiority complex and the awful realization that you only have two friends.
-DON’T care.
Bailey Somers has a bright future in plastics. Scott Matthews is planning on selling his organs on the open market in Tokyo. As many as it takes to get to the promised land.
