After 20 years on this earth, one of the few things I’ve come to understand as a simple fact about humanity is that giant successes are usually followed by giant celebrations. For the average person, this may be nothing more than a fist pump. A few go above and beyond the call by jumping around, issuing some kind of primal scream and maybe even getting in on a chest-bump. The undisputed kings of celebration, however, have always been the boys of the NFL, with their cell-phones, Sharpies, pom-poms and snow angels.
After Wednesday’s No Fun League owners’ meeting, however, you can expect to stop seeing the kind of unbridled exuberance that has made several football players—usually wide receivers—more famous than their on-field play alone ever could have. There is now a sharply defined list of what kinds of behavior are acceptable in the end zone, which includes “spikes, dunks, Lambeau Leaps, spins, dances and simple celebrations,” according to ESPN.com.
Are you kidding me? In the new age of NFL parity—a code word for all teams being almost equally awful—touchdown celebrations can be one of the few things that make your average Ravens-Cardinals game interesting.
Chad Johnson, the NFL’s MVC—Most Valuable Celebrator—was philosophical about the changes. “Basically, I guess we’re gonna call these the Chad rules, ‘cause everything that was said was basically just the things that I did this year,” he told ESPN. He also said he would abide by the rules.
He shouldn’t have to, however, because this rule change makes no sense. The touchdown celebration is a victimless crime. When Steve Smith of the Panthers cradles a football like a baby and then pretends to wipe its “behind,” the only possible damage is the hurt feelings of the defender who was just burned. So is the NFL legislating to keep losers from feeling bad?
San Diego coach Marty Schottenheimer saw a different reason for the crackdown. “The game is about the team, not the individual,” he told the Associated Press.
Actually, Schottenheimer, like most people involved in the league, is tragically off-base. The game is about the fans, and no one else. They are the reason players and coaches get paid and have celebrity status, and the only reason there is a league at all. When you watch the NFL highlights on Sunday night, the best celebrations always make it—they’re fan favorites. So to cut out the most creative celebrations is to cut out something that, I think it is safe to say, most fans seriously enjoy. And that is a violation of what the game is all about. (bellarinova.com)
Assuming that the draconian owners’ committee is not going to reverse these new rules anytime soon, all we can really hope for is that some of the more creative minds in the NFL—the Chad Johnsons, Terrell Owenses, and Joe Horns out there—find a loophole in the rules that let’s them keep the fun alive. Maybe they can tape celebrations before the game, then simply point to the Jumbotron when they score? Or instead of just performing one of the acceptable celebrations, they could perform all of them, in succession. Imagine the way Schottenheimer’s eyes would bulge when Johnson spikes the ball, picks it up, dunks it, leaps into the stands, comes back, spins the ball, and then does the cabbage patch. That’s what the NFL is all about.
