Nothing holds a candle to the spectacular criminal feats of the NFL. Football players have been remarkably proficient in showing that they are, as many believe, above the law. Thus, in presenting this year’s award for Most Valuable Criminal-Athlete, or the ‘Ricky,’ we have many a wonderful choice.
Let’s take a brief look at the also-rans: Pacman Jones was arrested for drunken and disorderly conduct. In his defense, Pacman didn’t steal anything. He accused Shakkiah Curtis of stealing his wallet and pulling the old prison pass-off in the nightclub. I found his case particularly persuasive after reading that he had bloodshot eyes and that his breath smelled a little bit like my Uncle Bucky who used to tell me about the subtle nuances between PBR and Milwaukee’s Best. Pacman frequently demonstrates the result of years of sensitivity classes as he also spat in the face of female patron Toya Garth while accusing her of stealing the wallet as well. I can totally sympathize with the guy, though. After being drafted sixth in the NFL last year, he probably needed the money about as much as Wilt Chamberlain needed another woman.
Next up is Chris Henry, who is certainly the NFL Player Most Likely to Make an Appearance on Cops. Some players take advantage of the off-season to kick back, relax and spend time with their families. But Henry decided to keep himself busy. It began in December, when police smelled marijuana in his car and found two baggies … in his sneakers. Of course, it’s gotta be the shoes. A month later, Henry was arrested in Florida after pulling a pistol in a P-Diddy moment, and a Luger no less (Colonel Klink would be proud), on a group of unarmed people in the middle of the street in front of police officers. Among other penalties, he must forfeit the Luger. I’ve already placed my bid on eBay. Have you? In April, he was arrested for drinking while speeding. Just like that, we’re up to three strikes. It’s a good thing Henry doesn’t hail from California … or Texas. That same month, Henry was charged with three counts of unlawful transaction with a minor and now stands accused of providing three underage women with alcohol in the back of his car. We used to call that a party back in high school. That brings us to four arrests in ten months. The Bengals initially declined to comment. I’d be speechless, too. At -5 receiving yards this season, Henry still faces more years in prison than he has yards on the field.
But the prestigious ‘Ricky’ goes to: Maurice Clarett. Apparently, Clarett had quite a bit of free time after the premature end to his illustrious football career. This summer, after a minor criminal violation in taking an illegal U-turn, which turned into an OJ-like car chase, the police discovered a cache of weapons that would make most Michigan militias jealous. Since Clarett had made so much money in his zero seasons in the NFL, he felt the need to protect himself with Kevlar body armor, a hatchet, an AK-47 and three pistols with an open Grey Goose bottle in the car to boot. Thankfully he has good taste in vodka, or I’d be ready to fully write this guy off. Plus, it was a classy way to follow up his previous armed robbery of a dance club in January. His activity has everything: car chases, weaponry, drunk driving, robbery and Kevlar to stop police tasers. It’s the feel-good movie of the year.
Clay Keir contributed to this column.
